Thanks, Buck.

Well, I have not posted in ages. Buying a house, knocking out several of its walls, changing jobs, and planning a wedding kind of took over. Thing is, those would have all been good things to write about! And I still can...

Almost five years ago I lost my buddy Buck. I was devastated but the truth is losing him changed my life. You can ask any of my friends how I felt about marriage before I moved to Idaho and they would all tell you the same: I did not trust it and seem baffled by it. I was scared to death of commitment and easily felt "trapped" by a one year lease. I would scour lease agreements and I even remember reviewing my Roth IRA agreement looking for the loophole that would allow me to break the contract under extraneous circumstances. I did not like to commit. I always wanted a way out. I now know a lot of it was about trust.

After losing Buck I started opening up my heart to Evan but it was an excruciatingly slow process. When he told me he loved me I put a pillow over my head and refused to talk to him for at least 10 minutes. I am pretty sure he just laughed and told me he expected something along those lines. Around year two with Evan I decided to buy a house. I was not ready to have his name on the mortgage with mine but I was ok with consulting him at every turn, having him pay half the mortgage, knocking out the walls, digging up the plumbing and living with me. I am pretty sure it was once again about scrutinizing that contract for a way out. I suppose I had my out with him if I wanted it but Sandpoint and I were definitely committed.

When he proposed about a year later I am pretty sure the first thing out of my mouth was "Are you sure?" And he was ok with that, too. His manly ego was not scarred and he just smiled while I struggled internally with taking another step towards really, really trusting him. But when the wedding day came there was not a doubt in my mind that this man would be my husband and life partner and a really great one at that. The best part is that I never scrutinized our marriage vows looking for a way out and instead worked together with Evan to create vows that celebrated the love, partnership and dreams we both cherish in one another. Thanks, Buck. I could not have done it without you.

Out with the Old, In with the New

This is Evan tearing out part of the door frame in the house. My anxiety went up that week. I came home to plastic everywhere and lots of drywall dust. Not to mention stories of almost cutting live wires while re-routing the electrical.

My favorite moment in retrospect, but least favorite moment at the time was holding up drywall for Evan while insulation fell on me. The house I had just bought with the majority of my savings was falling on me. I was so excited to go to work that day and escape the drywall dust.


The wall is gone now. And the house is much more open. It was worth the growing pains.

While he was busy tearing things out, I spent my time planting new things in the yard. Note the missing fence behind me. He dug out the old posts and put in new ones, as well as a gate! And if you look to the right of the bags of concrete you can see Reggie sitting in the yard, untethered like a good boy. Maybe it was because he got shocked earlier for not playing nice with his dog-friend Kona...




With all this rain we have had recently, I have barely had to water my tomato plants. Keep thinking of the positives. The soil at the house is also great. Lots of worms. Some are a little too big for my taste, but I know they are working hard.

Embracing Chaos

Embracing chaos. This has been the theme of the last two weeks. We have a house full of boxes and projects. After about three days of packing, and two of unpacking I had my fill of pizza, pizza rolls, sandwiches, and pre-made food from the deli counter at both grocery stores. I was desperate for a real meal. There is definitely a part of my and Evan's relationship that revolves around cooking. The guy loves to eat and we both love to cook. I prefer recipes, and he shoots from the hip.

On my way home from work on Sunday, I went to Yokes, the "fresh market" here in Sandpoint. I bought a lot of vegetables that were bright and appealing, and salmon, chorizo and spicy Italian sausage from the meat counter. I did not know what my plan was, or how I planned on cooking in my mess of a kitchen still filled with boxes, but I was going to make it happen. I wanted a meal.

Evan was elbow deep in kitchen and bathroom sink drains when I got home. I had a feeling I was on my own. I pulled out the salmon, sifted through some boxes until I found spices, and somehow chopped some garlic with the little counter space I had. I let the fish sit and when to Starbucks to use the internet to post our extra appliances on craigslist.

Believe it or not, I came home and baked my salmon. I also roasted some herbed potatoes, chopped fresh veggies, and made rice. My cooking slowly enticed Evan to come out from under the bathroom sink. I cleared off the end our table and squeezed in two plates and our feast. It was all makeshift, but it was us, eating good food in our new home.

And if you are wondering about the chorizo. It and the Italian sausage went into a great bolognese sauce two days later to share with our friend Jon after assisting Evan with getting the washer and dryer running. It included re-wiring the circuit box during which they both saw white light. I figured I owed him a good meal...

Reggie Turns Two!

My little puppy is growing up. Not really. He is still a puppy, and with the wheaten disposition, I do not see that changing anytime soon. We got him a can of wet food for his birthday and put a candle in it. He knew something was up as soon as the can opened. He walked around in circles with his nose in the air.

Before Reggie eats he must sit, lie down and then wait. He has been doing this since he was just a pup. The books said repetition was the best way to ingrain behavior, so he sits, lies down, and waits for my command twice a day. The unfortunate part is that he still gets confused with "Ok!" and sometimes continues to wait after I say it. I never said he was bright. If you look closely in this picture you can see that he is slightly raised off the ground, only his forearms and back legs are touching the ground. He was just a little excited. Later that day we came home from a walk and he went back to his empty bowl and continued to lick it.

Even though he likes the wet food, I think the better birthday present was the awesome yard he received three days later filled with sticks with his name on them. He really likes to watch squirrels. His bed is by a patio door and he just sits there watching the squirrels chase each other.

I bought a house!

Well, for those of you who were thinking I was coming back to Michigan soon, sorry to burst your bubble, but I will be here for awhile. Well, at least that is the plan.

I am hoping to add some posts to this blog more often as we make some drastic changes to the house. I officially closed on Monday, although I paid for the house and signed papers on Friday. The closing process has been very long. I think close to a month. First the appraiser made several errors on his appraisal and they had to be adjusted before we could sign. Second, the seller (the bank) would not sign the paperwork because in February the county sent a letter to them letting them know that the address of the house would change sometime in the next year to adjust for 911 standards and the bank just changed the address without waiting for the notification. As a result, they would not sign paperwork on a house at 1419 Spruce because they thought they owned 1611 Spruce. In the midst of all this I have my not so normal work schedule, working in middle of nowhere Montana so that I could not just come in to sign during my lunch hour, and I traveled to Chicago, and the plane ride led to a perforated eardrum. It has been a long couple of weeks.

The good part is. The house is mine. And Reggie LOVES his yard. Every time we go over there he bolts for the gate that leads into the backyard. And I think Evan loves his list of projects. The first one being knocking out a wall and framing it for french doors to open up the living room. He did this yesterday while I was at work. I decided not to watch. He has taken many "before" pictures I hope to post soon.

My Buddy Buck

Earlier this week I was repeatedly feeling like I was forgetting something. I could not seem to figure out what it was. I kept expecting to arrive at school and realized something that I had forgotten, but it never happened.

Every Wednesday night at school I run the circle-up at 5:50 p.m. It is a time for us all to meet up, make announcements, and prepare for the evening. I run the circle-up and share a quotation from my sparkly blue book that houses all my quotations, pictures, and memories. It is also a time for me to share a little bit about my life with the kids. I started sharing about Buck and showed the kids these two pictures. I told them about the tiny little apartment I lived in because it was the only one I could find that allowed dogs, and how he went to the grocery store with me and waited in the car. I told them how he was my best friend, and my only friend here when I first moved here. I told them about how he went for a hike and never came back. All the emotions started to return, and I surprised myself with tears.

I told them about the dreaded drive home and how I would cry just thinking about the empty little house. I told them about the night I was driving home and almost had to pull over I was crying so hard and started thinking about all the good times, the hikes, the way he followed me and asked myself if I would give it up, give it all up to not feel the pain, the anguish I was feeling in that moment and how I answered "no." I told the kids how I realized that Buck tricked me, how I was ready to give up on love and settle for a dog. I told them how I was ready to give up on some of my dreams, but I did not because I was tricked by a dog. I did not plan to fall in love, to get hurt again, but I did. And I shared with them the quotation that is written on the page next to Buck's pictures:

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

The next day I was in yoga class, once again with that nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. As I lay against the wall in an inverted shavasana, trying to clear my mind but stuck with the sense that I was forgetting, I started to repeat the date in my head. November 19th, November 19th....Then it was almost impossible to stop the tears from dripping out of the corners of my eyes onto my mat. It was two years ago that I lost Buck and I still needed to mourn my friend, and remember and appreciate the lesson he taught me. "Though the body moves, the soul may stay behind: I miss you." Another quotation, another memory. It felt as if in the yoga class my body was finally able to connect with my mind, my soul and allow the pain that still lingers to seep out. All I had forotten was to slow down, and allow the hole he had left my heart to heal over a little.

Reggie in the Snow

Reggie loved the snow this winter. He loved burying his face in the snow, rolling in the snow, chasing snow, hiding in the snow, laying in the snow, licking snow, and eating snow. He loves snow. Evan and I got some great footage of him playing in some fresh snow, and I just got it off of Evan's camera. You can hear me laughing throughout the video...Reggie brought a lot of laughter to a long winter.

Skiing with Evan @ Schweitzer

Well, the good news is that Evan and I are still dating. If you are confused why I am mentioning this as an introduction to a post about skiing, read my entry about skiing with my dad from early winter last year. When alpine skiing, I can turn into an eight year old in a very short period of time. For instance, instead of calmly mentioning that I am starting to get cold, I pronounce with a whiny edge, "I'm cold!" As if I want the person I am speaking to fix the situation. Thankfully, this did not happen with Evan, well maybe it just a little bit.

It was a great day, with a gorgeous blue bird sky, and perfect visibility (which does not happen often at Schweitzer). We started the day out with him taking me through fresh powder for the first time! I was on my roommate Julie's shaped skis (so much better than my old school skinny skis!), and he was tele-skiing. It was definitely different. I can see how it would be fun, but at the moment I was a little overwhelmed how different the snow reacted beneath me. He took me on all the lifts I had never been on before at Schweitzer (I tend to stick to the same three because I know what to expect.). I was particularly happy with learning how to actually use my poles. After learning to ski at such a young age my body knew how to ski better than my mind, and at some point my body decided to stop using my poles. So my mind decided to just use them when I wanted to slow down. They work much more effective as a tool to assist one in turning. I loved practicing my turns and working on leaning into my boots more.

We took a break at lunch and let Reggie out of the car to relieve himself. We kept throwing snowballs up the snow berms with fresh powder on them. He had a blast, and was very tired by the end. We went back up for a couple of runs. I knew instantly when I was done. Suddenly, every run looked "really steep" and I was having trouble simply turning. I would go across the mountain in these long arcs before coming off the groomer into powder mounds that made turning even more difficult. At the start of our last run, while Evan stopped ahead of me to wait, I called down to him, "I think I am done skiing now." He gently reminded me that I would need to ski down the mountain before I could be done. I hate it when he is right.

I made it down, and apparently looked good doing it according to Evan. I am incredibly thankful he is so patient.

Maximillian Thomas or MAX the cat

We adopted him February 18th, 1994. That means he was just shy of his 15th birthday. He was quite the trooper. When he was just a kitten he used to bat at the buttons on the couch, and when you held him in your arms his little paws void of claws would knead at your arms as he purred in satisfaction. I read once that the kneading was representative of a kitten's attachment to its mother. It would knead at its mother's teats to get more milk, and transfers the kneading response to anything else pleasurable in its life when it wants more. They also knead in order to transfer their scent onto you, or whatever they are kneading. As Bill, Maureen, and I held MAX (my mom and I decided awhile ago that MAX's name was always to be written in capitals) the first day we met him at the vet's office, he kneaded on my arm. He wanted more, and he wanted us to be his.

As he grew up MAX became the neighborhood bouncer. He was lean and muscular with a swagger to scare off any kitten. And he loved to eat. I had a friend once tell me about a large cat that had come into his sun room and eaten his cats' food. He described the cat, and sure enough it was MAX. We often heard tales of how MAX had bullied a cat off his own porch just to sit a particular patch of sun. He was also a lover. We had one neighbor come over one day with over 15 pictures of MAX laying in the grass soaking up the sun. He used to help my mom garden by chasing clumps of weeds into the raspberry bushes where he was known to eat a raspberry or two when they were especially ripe. Naturally, I put him through a fair amount of torture by giving him regular baths, dressing him up in my doll clothes, and even tossing him in the hot tub once to see if he knew how to swim (he did). MAX always preferred to pee outside, to the extent that he would even venture out in the snow, delicately shaking his paws after every step.

As the years went on and MAX's muscles started to sag, and he became a homebody, yet his shoulders still held their broad posture. His swagger turned to more of an awkward, bow legged hobble. We started giving him cortisone shots for his arthritis. My favorite part was when Dr. White would say, "He'll be doing back flips in no time." This past October when I was home he jumped up on Evan's chest while he was napping. MAX never did this. He preferred to sit next to Bill, laying lengthwise against his legs. Bill always tried to get him to lay on his chest to no avail. All on his own, MAX jumped up on Evan and laid down. He placed one paw above Evan's wrist, and one below as if to grasp his arm. I think he was happy with who I had brought home.

Today was MAX's last day. The cortisone only helps for so long until quality of life declines. When I left for Germany in high school MAX became Bill's buddy. He knew I was his mom, but Bill was his best bud. I know Bill did everything he could to make MAX's last hours special, and I can only imagine that he was kneading his paws as he fell asleep for the last time.

Winter Has Arrived

I moved. Again. I tried living in a town of 500 people, and decided it was not for me. I enjoyed the short commute to work, but not the long drive to "town." The easily accessible wilderness was also a bonus. This picture is from Thanksgiving and our walk we went on up Lightening Creek road with all the dogs. In addition, Erik and Kendra are expecting a little cherub to enter their lives any day now. I am not yet ready to enter the "baby" stage of my life, whether it is my baby or not. I see myself as very comfortable in the "dog" stage of my life. There is bike, car, plant, dog, house and then baby. First, we learn how to be responsible for and take care of our bikes and everything that goes with that such as cleaning, learning the rules of the road, thinking ahead about weather, safety. Then we get a car, when we are ready to take care of a living thing we get a plant (or some type of caged animal). Dogs are a big step up from plants and caged animals as they actively speak out if you do not care for them. Babies are a huge step up from dogs that I am no where near ready to take. I need to teach Reggie to come first!

I love my new place in Sandpoint. It is a newer duplex I am sharing with my friend Julie and a previous roommate of hers. It is also conveniently just a couple blocks down the road from Evan. I am excited to have a little femininity in my life, and also just being closer to conveniences like the grocery store and the bank. It took me awhile to settled into being in town. I realized my first month here I was spending more money than usual at the grocery store. I thought back to when I lived in Clark Fork and remembered how any time I was in Sandpoint I went to the grocery store as often as I needed to, and every time I thought of something I needed. Once I was back in Clark Fork the variety was limited and the price was high. I just have to get back to city living.

Another joy of city living is the city plowing. The snow banks get surprisingly high along the sides of the residential streets. This does three things. The streets get quite narrow, which just makes snow driving a little more challenging. Secondly, when passing through an intersection there is always the question if another vehicle is approaching and often times sticking your nose out to check becomes a little risky. Thirdly, the snow blocks my mailbox and as a result the postal service does not deliver my mail and I have to go to the post office to pick it up. Why do I not just shovel the snow away? It is not just snow, it is large ice chunks and I could only imagine how cold it would be to lie on my back in the snow covered street after my back gives out from shoveling large ice chunks.

Reggie, on the otherhand, LOVES the snow. He repeatedly shoves his face in the snow and rolls around on his back in the large drifts. He burrows through deep snow and jumps like a large rabbit. Reggie was not made to love the snow. His hair is long and the snow clumps up around his face and legs to the point where he has trouble seeing and walks bow legged. It is not that I do not like the snow, I love how white it is and the way it covers everything. I love it when I am on skis, or snow shoes. I do not like it when it covers the road and it is hard to drive. I do not like it when I cannot get my mail. I do love seeing Reggie play in the snow.

Reggie's Social Skills

Evan and I both had a couple of days off last week and decided to spend it in Seattle. He spent a good chunk of time taking care of his mom after her shoulder surgery to repair her rotator cuff. Naturally, Reggie came with us and I spent a good chunk of my time entertaining Reggie. He was such a good boy. I love having a dog that can travel with me and make himself at home anywhere. He would spend hours just playing in the backyard. I would watch him just explore the whole yard with his nose to the ground. He eventually assembled a pile of what he considered interesting objects in the middle of the yard, such as a watering can, a large stick, and an old tennis ball.

One afternoon I headed out to a city park in search of the dog park hidden within it. I was very proud of Reggie's social skills as he bounded into the park and sniffed every dog's butt with no discrimination. He played with large and small dogs alike and wanted to be everyone's friend. He came home and laid like a fuzzy rug on the floor for the rest of the day.

The next day we drove to a dog park near Lake Washington and once again Reggie was in heaven. He sniffed every butt he could and wanted to play with every dog we walked by. He was filthy after a good hour of play so we decided to see if he was interested in swimming. You betcha. He bounded through the waves as if he was trying to catch them. Unfortunately, he was unable to demonstrate his well honed fetch skills as every time we threw the ball he was distracted by another dog and decided that other dogs were more exciting than balls.

It was great to spend some time getting to know the big city on foot. And as always, I enjoyed visiting Whole Foods and salivating in front of the cheese.

Down for the Count

About two years ago I hurt my back and was down for the count...for quite awhile. The physical pain numbed me out to everything in my life and sucked me into a empty void. Every time I felt pain run down through my leg, or was restricted by my physical limitations the mantra that went through my head was, "I want my life back." As I went through physical therapy, pain pills, nerve stimulation, personal therapy, and epidural injections my pain started to subside. Unfortunately, after months of being void of feeling I no longer was sure of who I was and where I was going. It became clear that if I wanted my life back I was going to have to fight for it. And fight I did. After fighting for one's life, it becomes clear that it is not worth it to settle, for anything. I knew my life was worth so much more. When I got back up and back into the game of life I made the decision to find a job that would consist of more activity than sitting in a chair and talking. I moved to Idaho and created a lifestyle for myself that I thought was only possible when on vacation.

My back is not perfect. I know there are things that irritate it, and other things that bring me relief. While home in Michigan I did a handful of things that irritate my back. I came home and decided to take a long hike to bring a little peace back to my body. If you know me at all, you know I tend to push myself. Reggie and I went out for a beautiful hike with golden leaves and spectacular views on a clear day. As my heels blistered as a result of not hiking much all summer, I pushed on. I did not stay hydrated. I did not rest. I just pushed in the name of bringing peace back to my body. Ironic, I know. When I got home I rested, and stretched a little, yes, only a little. A day later I threw my back out by bending over to help up a student. All in the name of bringing peace back to my body...

I knew the pain well, and the silent tears that fall without control. I stayed calm and I used my breath. If anything, I know how to take care of myself when the pain sets in. I know not to do it all alone. I know when I want to quit and I am frozen in my fear, it means I need to reach out for help. I made it to the doctor with the help of a friend, took my meds, and asked for a prescription for physical therapy. I knew what I needed. I may know what to do when the pain sets in, but my judgment starts to fail when the pain subsides. That is when I want to do all the things I have spent days not doing, and jump back into my life with reckless abandon. And then the pain returns, and with it fear.

I am stuck in this cycle now. I am taking it day by day and looking forward to starting physical therapy on Tuesday. I spoke to my old physical therapist and he graciously found me a physical therapist in the area. Erick was my saving grace when I was ready to give up, and just hearing his voice reminded me that I can do this. I can re-strengthen my back, and get back to my journey. I believe my back pain is always a reminder for me to re-evalute my choices and my path. And I do not have to do it alone.

Tour de Michigan

While in Michigan there were several comments made about my lack of posting lately. I cannot argue. My only excuse is that Reggie was a handful of sorts for about the first month. The good news is that he is potty trained and no longer eating rocks! Just yesterday he walked over to the sliding door and sat there with an expectant look. There was no barking, no whining, just waiting. I was incredibly proud, not to mention thankful that I just might be done scrubbing the carpets free of excrement and urine.

I spent the last week in Michigan, and I can honestly say, "I did it all." I saw all my aunts and uncles, some of my cousins, grandma, mom, dad, and all my closest friends. I was in metro Detroit, Traverse City, Charlevoix, Midland, Ann Arbor, and Kalamazoo. To top it all off, the colors were at their peak and all the driving was well worth it. Evan came with me and was a great sport through the whole whirlwind tour. However, his favorite day was the one where we just hung out at home in Midland. I was so worried he would not be "entertained" and it seems he did not need any "entertaining" at all. He helped around the house, went to hit some golf balls, and then put up his feet and took a nap. What was I doing? A little shopping, of course. If there is one thing North Idaho is missing, it is quality shopping. We have plenty of shops for fancy pants tourists, but not so much for the metropolitan girl gone west. I do not think Detroit was ever a great fit for me, but I could not complain about the shopping.

Leaving my friends and family was hard. The first thought was, "why in the world do I live so far away from everyone I love??" It is easy to get caught up in that kind of talk, but I know that everything is different when you are a visitor. I remember living in Michigan and barely finding time where a few of us could make a simple afternoon of tea and chitchat. Everyone has time for you when you live on the other side of the country. I also remember how much I needed to do something for me, and set out on my own adventure. I have, and I am blessed for everything I have found.

To see the rest of the pictures click here.

Demolition Derby

The last two weekends the highlight, by far, has been attending events at the Bonner County Fair. I just may be turning into a country girl. Last Friday night Evan and I went out to the rodeo. It was my first rodeo and it definitely kept my attention. Barrel racing, calf roping, bull riding...these folks are crazy. Did you know they tie a rope around the bull's testicles to get it to buck? They give it good pull right before they open the gate.

Friday night we went over to buy our demolition derby tickets (yes, we got them in advance because they often sell out) and toured all the animals. There was a pig auction going on so we sat in for awhile. When I saw the first pig go for $2.50 I got so excited. I wanted to buy a pig more than anything. I was going to take it down to Woods to get butchered and eat sausage and pork loin for months (I never really thought about how I would get it there...). Evan was quick to tell me that they were being auction off per pound. My dreams were shattered.

Last night was the demolition derby. We met some friends there, and everyone got so into it. The kids had ear plugs in and Evan and Russ were making a racket. I had just as much fun watching the derby as listening to Evan and Russ. We watched a few cars light on fire and start smoking. One was smoking so much it filled up half the arena. Slowly but surely, I am becoming a north Idaho girl.

Meet Reggie!

I must like getting dogs in August. As I was writing the title I realized that it was a little less than a year ago that I wrote, "Meet Buck." This also means that I have been living in Idaho for over a year! It is hard to believe how quickly it has passed. Reggie is a soft coated wheaten terrier. Despite living in northern Idaho, there is still a bit of the high maintenance city girl in me. Reggie is a pure bred. Believe it or not, he was flown to me from Nebraska.

I had quite a time trying to get him out here. The forcasted temperature of the final destination has to be 85 degrees or lower. Reggie was set to ship out during one of our many heat waves. Twice, his flight got canceled. Jon and Noel were kind enough to pick Reggie up at the airport once they dropped Maggie off. I came home from work last Tuesday to this little guy covered in pee just dying to be loved. And of course, I loved him, regardless of the pee.

Time to be honest. Reggie is a handful. There is a huge difference between getting a 4 month old puppy and a 10 month old house broken puppy. Reggie had trouble pooping when I first got him. I used Kendra's home remedy of pumpkin pie filling to loosen things up. Sure enough, things started moving. One day he pooped on the deck and as I went to clean it up I realized why Reggie was having trouble pooping. Reggie eats rocks. A lot of dogs like to pick up rocks and roll them around in their mouth and might accidentally swallow them. Not Reggie. Reggie eats rocks and dirt. I did some research and apparently pica is very common in puppies. Unfortunately, it is also very dangerous as he could require surgery if he eats a rock that his little intestines cannot pass. As a result of Reggie's interesting appetite and the large amount of rocks in my yard (the house is on an old river bed...) he must be supervised at all times to help him break the habit. I am hoping it is in relation to him cutting new teeth and will pass in time. It is beyond frustrating to watch someone you love repeatedly hurt themselves. It brings up all too familiar feelings which has left me particularly emotional lately.

The good news it the pumpkin pie filling is a great home remedy for constipation in dogs. The bad news is that I think I gave him too much. Being woken up in the middle of the night solely by the smell of puppy poop is by far one of the most disgusting things I have experienced in my life. Poor little guy cannot hold it in. If you have not noticed, I spend a lot of my time researching, and talking about poop now. It takes up a large portion of my day. I have had minutes taken off my life by three simple words, "Do your business, do your business." Speaking of poop. Reggie needs a bath.

Maggie & Jon Visit!

Maggie and Jon came to visit for five days. As I took them to all my favorite spots, and explored new places with them and Evan I was reminded of the beauty I am surrounded by. Just seeing the expressions on their faces reminded of how I felt a year ago as I drank this all in for the first time. I would be anxious at times worrying that they were getting bored because we had been driving for awhile, and then I would hear one of them talk about how just driving was beautiful. I used to be the same way. How quickly one forgets...
It was great to have friends in town and completely let go. It has been a long time since I have pulled some props down from the shelf and gotten ridiculous. We ate a lot of great food, despite Jon's reluctance to trust my quesadilla making technique. We even made it out to Eichardt's one night for a little shuffleboard.

Next post: pictures of my new puppy, Mr. Reginald Bing! He goes by Reggie, don't worry!

Vancouver Island

At the end of July I embarked on a journey of taking eight teenagers into British Columbia for two weeks. I will spare you the details of all the drama with the kids, and focus on what I got out of the trip. This was a "Gift Trip" in which students who are about to graduate give back to others. We volunteered at a Camphill Community for ten days. Camphill is a community for folks with special needs. It gives them the opportunity to be a part of a family, to work, socialize, and also learn new skills. We also spent three days in the delightful city of Victoria. We were fortunate enough to be there for their 150 year celebration. At Glenora Farm we made a great camp in a maple grove on the edge of their property. I was delighted to use all the gear I picked up in my years working at Climb Kalamazoo. I was so happy in my little tent. I had girls sleeping in tents on one side of me, and boys on the other. Most of the work we did to help the community was in the garden. They had meters of carrots and cabbage that were in desperate need of weeding. After that we moved on to harvesting garlic, which included pulling it out, braiding it, and then hanging it to dry in the barn. We picked buckets upon buckets of beans. Yellow beans, green beans, purple beans (that turn green when you cook them), and purple and yellow beans. And let us not forget the snow peas. I took great pleasure in weeding and harvesting in the garden. It was beyond relaxing to work outside for others with absolutely no pressure to get a certain amount of work done. Everything from one bean to 100 was appreciated. Unfortunately, my lower back did not quite agree with me. As the week went on and the farm was having trouble keeping up with the amount of food coming in from the garden I started to help in the house with processing the food. I helped my buddy Chris shred zucchini, snap beans, and string peas. I generally move pretty fast in in my thoughts and emotions on a daily basis. All that fell away for me at Glenora Farm. I moved slow, and I felt so light. No weight, no pressure. No expecations, except just to be present in the moment. My buddy Chris had the simple job of shredding zucchini. When he would finish some he would open the lid, look in and say, "Good job, Buddy" which a huge smile on his face. I can do a lot of things that Chris cannot do. I can speak in full sentences. I can run, I can read, I can write. I can get a college education. What I cannot do that Chris can do is look at my work, my performance and say with absolute, 100% satisfaction, "Good work." I am my worst critic. I create the weight I feel on a daily basis, I create all the expectations that surround me. I am not sure what magic resides at Glenora Farm that allowed me to let go and experience the lightness of being, but I am forever thankful.

Fourth of July in Michigan

My mom flew me home for the Fourth of July weekend to spend some time with my family. We originally were shooting for me to come to Michigan in June for JT and Nicco's graduation party but it did not work with my work schedule. The Fourth weekend was the next best option, and it worked out great. As we drove up north to Alpena I started think about how a year ago I was up in Alpena telling everyone how I was going out to Idaho for a job interview in a few days. This time I was telling them all about my job. As I said hello to all my cousins and hugged them I was taken aback as I realized they are the same age as a lot of my students. It blew me away to think of my cousins smoking pot, dropping acid, tripping on LSD, selling drugs, selling their bodies, having sex, running from the cops, or threatening their parents. Instead they were up north on a holiday weekend enjoying it with their family, catching minnows, tubing, shooting bee bee guns, reading, learning how to play poker with my brother, and going to church. I am so thankful they have chosen the life that they have. There is no reason to grow up too fast.

My bittersweet moment came to me as I was kayaking with my Aunt Jan and my cousin Jenna. We were coming back to the dock and I looked up to see my grandma, my mom, my brother, and a handful of my cousins sitting around the dock. I have a lot of things in Idaho that remind me of Michigan. Lake Coeur d'Alene gives me what I used to get from The Great Lakes, there is plenty of snow, plenty of sun, plenty of forests and wide open spaces to put my mind at ease. What I cannot get in Idaho, that lives only in Michigan is the overwhelming sense of family and love. The feeling that someone knows me, really knows me from start to finish. That is what I miss.

As I was getting ready to say goodbye to my mom I started to tear up. I explained to her that I was getting ready to go home, but I was already at home. I was feeling lost, confused, and neither here nor there. She told me it was clear to her where my home was as she reminded me that during the short time I was in Michigan I refused to get on the Eastern Time Zone. That was hard for me to swallow. It is hard to let go.

Apparently, it is also hard for my cat MAX to let go, as the old guy is going on 14 years and still going strong.

Rock Lake

I went on an amazing hike to Rock Lake awhile ago with some friends from work, Scott and Lisa. They are both on the Tuesday through Saturday schedule, and I am on the Sunday through Thursday schedule so we do not get a lot of time to spend together outside of work. My scheduled got all mixed up as a result of a another parent visit on campus, and I jumped at the chance to go hiking with them. Rock Creek was running on overdrive as a result of all of the snow melt with the warm weather. They told me to plan on doing some stream crossings, but I do not think any of us had any idea of what we were in store for. It was easy to step into the streams, but once I tried to take a step in the stream I thought I was going to be swept away. And oh boy was it it COLD. My toes went numb and my legs were shaking after one that was about 20 ft wide. We made it through all the crossings and up to the waterfall with an old mine shaft. From there it was almost all uphill in the sun, but I knew there was a cool treat waiting for me at the end: Rock Lake. Half of it was still covered in snow and ice, but I knew I needed to go in. Who hikes to an alpine lake and does not go swimming in it?? As my body submerged the thought going through my mind was, "This is what some people feel right before they die." Thankfully, the air was hot and the rocks were warm once I got out.

Back to the Woods

I say "back to the woods" like I was not cross-country skiing through them all winter, but there is still something different about hiking about the mountains slowly versus sliding through them on skis. I had to work Memorial Day, and as a result received the following Tuesday off and decided to two things. First I went to the trail that leads to "the Ghost." I do not know the real name of this trail, but that is what we refer to it as at the school. It is a wide trail off of a forest service road, probably an old forest service road itself, that leads to the base of a wide open field on a mountain side that is shaped like a ghost when looking at it from the school. This is the trail that Erik was hiking when Buck and Max went off on their adventure that Buck never returned from. I knew I needed to hike it and say goodbye to my buddy, my best, and first friend I made when I moved to Idaho. I took one of his favorite toys up there; a little, blue sesame street stuffed animal that Buck had chewed the head and several limbs off of and I had lovingly sewed back together several times in order to give Buck his buddy back. I also brought a small spade, and Max. When I got to the trail head I took down the laminated "Lost" flier with Buck's picture on it. We hiked up for maybe a half hour or so when Max took off into the woods after something. The moment felt right as Max ran off for a few moments and I thought about how it was that easy to lose a friend. That moment was all I was waiting for. I set down my backpack and dug a hole for Buck's beloved blue friend. I placed a few rocks over it, and without any tears (!) said goodbye to my buddy. I knew I was ready to let him go.







Max and I decided not to hike the rest of the ghost, but went to the next trail over, "Star Peak" to start a new adventure. The trail up to Star Peak is not an easy one, it is a very strenuous uphill starting from the road. I was sweating before I even made it to the trail head! I went a little less than two house up, and decided I did not need to beat myself and could turn around. There were some gorgeous views of the Clark Fork River, and a plethora of wild flowers. My favorite was probably the wild growing orchids I found, but was unable to get a good picture. I have not yet taken the time to figure out what type of flower this pink beauty is. I think it looks a lot like a trillium, but it is pink! The other great part of this trail was the waterfall that was in full swing given all the warm weather and snow melt off. I sat by it for quite awhile just amazed at the way it flowed through all the rocks and roots of the trees.