Thanks, Buck.

Well, I have not posted in ages. Buying a house, knocking out several of its walls, changing jobs, and planning a wedding kind of took over. Thing is, those would have all been good things to write about! And I still can...

Almost five years ago I lost my buddy Buck. I was devastated but the truth is losing him changed my life. You can ask any of my friends how I felt about marriage before I moved to Idaho and they would all tell you the same: I did not trust it and seem baffled by it. I was scared to death of commitment and easily felt "trapped" by a one year lease. I would scour lease agreements and I even remember reviewing my Roth IRA agreement looking for the loophole that would allow me to break the contract under extraneous circumstances. I did not like to commit. I always wanted a way out. I now know a lot of it was about trust.

After losing Buck I started opening up my heart to Evan but it was an excruciatingly slow process. When he told me he loved me I put a pillow over my head and refused to talk to him for at least 10 minutes. I am pretty sure he just laughed and told me he expected something along those lines. Around year two with Evan I decided to buy a house. I was not ready to have his name on the mortgage with mine but I was ok with consulting him at every turn, having him pay half the mortgage, knocking out the walls, digging up the plumbing and living with me. I am pretty sure it was once again about scrutinizing that contract for a way out. I suppose I had my out with him if I wanted it but Sandpoint and I were definitely committed.

When he proposed about a year later I am pretty sure the first thing out of my mouth was "Are you sure?" And he was ok with that, too. His manly ego was not scarred and he just smiled while I struggled internally with taking another step towards really, really trusting him. But when the wedding day came there was not a doubt in my mind that this man would be my husband and life partner and a really great one at that. The best part is that I never scrutinized our marriage vows looking for a way out and instead worked together with Evan to create vows that celebrated the love, partnership and dreams we both cherish in one another. Thanks, Buck. I could not have done it without you.

Out with the Old, In with the New

This is Evan tearing out part of the door frame in the house. My anxiety went up that week. I came home to plastic everywhere and lots of drywall dust. Not to mention stories of almost cutting live wires while re-routing the electrical.

My favorite moment in retrospect, but least favorite moment at the time was holding up drywall for Evan while insulation fell on me. The house I had just bought with the majority of my savings was falling on me. I was so excited to go to work that day and escape the drywall dust.


The wall is gone now. And the house is much more open. It was worth the growing pains.

While he was busy tearing things out, I spent my time planting new things in the yard. Note the missing fence behind me. He dug out the old posts and put in new ones, as well as a gate! And if you look to the right of the bags of concrete you can see Reggie sitting in the yard, untethered like a good boy. Maybe it was because he got shocked earlier for not playing nice with his dog-friend Kona...




With all this rain we have had recently, I have barely had to water my tomato plants. Keep thinking of the positives. The soil at the house is also great. Lots of worms. Some are a little too big for my taste, but I know they are working hard.

Embracing Chaos

Embracing chaos. This has been the theme of the last two weeks. We have a house full of boxes and projects. After about three days of packing, and two of unpacking I had my fill of pizza, pizza rolls, sandwiches, and pre-made food from the deli counter at both grocery stores. I was desperate for a real meal. There is definitely a part of my and Evan's relationship that revolves around cooking. The guy loves to eat and we both love to cook. I prefer recipes, and he shoots from the hip.

On my way home from work on Sunday, I went to Yokes, the "fresh market" here in Sandpoint. I bought a lot of vegetables that were bright and appealing, and salmon, chorizo and spicy Italian sausage from the meat counter. I did not know what my plan was, or how I planned on cooking in my mess of a kitchen still filled with boxes, but I was going to make it happen. I wanted a meal.

Evan was elbow deep in kitchen and bathroom sink drains when I got home. I had a feeling I was on my own. I pulled out the salmon, sifted through some boxes until I found spices, and somehow chopped some garlic with the little counter space I had. I let the fish sit and when to Starbucks to use the internet to post our extra appliances on craigslist.

Believe it or not, I came home and baked my salmon. I also roasted some herbed potatoes, chopped fresh veggies, and made rice. My cooking slowly enticed Evan to come out from under the bathroom sink. I cleared off the end our table and squeezed in two plates and our feast. It was all makeshift, but it was us, eating good food in our new home.

And if you are wondering about the chorizo. It and the Italian sausage went into a great bolognese sauce two days later to share with our friend Jon after assisting Evan with getting the washer and dryer running. It included re-wiring the circuit box during which they both saw white light. I figured I owed him a good meal...

Reggie Turns Two!

My little puppy is growing up. Not really. He is still a puppy, and with the wheaten disposition, I do not see that changing anytime soon. We got him a can of wet food for his birthday and put a candle in it. He knew something was up as soon as the can opened. He walked around in circles with his nose in the air.

Before Reggie eats he must sit, lie down and then wait. He has been doing this since he was just a pup. The books said repetition was the best way to ingrain behavior, so he sits, lies down, and waits for my command twice a day. The unfortunate part is that he still gets confused with "Ok!" and sometimes continues to wait after I say it. I never said he was bright. If you look closely in this picture you can see that he is slightly raised off the ground, only his forearms and back legs are touching the ground. He was just a little excited. Later that day we came home from a walk and he went back to his empty bowl and continued to lick it.

Even though he likes the wet food, I think the better birthday present was the awesome yard he received three days later filled with sticks with his name on them. He really likes to watch squirrels. His bed is by a patio door and he just sits there watching the squirrels chase each other.

I bought a house!

Well, for those of you who were thinking I was coming back to Michigan soon, sorry to burst your bubble, but I will be here for awhile. Well, at least that is the plan.

I am hoping to add some posts to this blog more often as we make some drastic changes to the house. I officially closed on Monday, although I paid for the house and signed papers on Friday. The closing process has been very long. I think close to a month. First the appraiser made several errors on his appraisal and they had to be adjusted before we could sign. Second, the seller (the bank) would not sign the paperwork because in February the county sent a letter to them letting them know that the address of the house would change sometime in the next year to adjust for 911 standards and the bank just changed the address without waiting for the notification. As a result, they would not sign paperwork on a house at 1419 Spruce because they thought they owned 1611 Spruce. In the midst of all this I have my not so normal work schedule, working in middle of nowhere Montana so that I could not just come in to sign during my lunch hour, and I traveled to Chicago, and the plane ride led to a perforated eardrum. It has been a long couple of weeks.

The good part is. The house is mine. And Reggie LOVES his yard. Every time we go over there he bolts for the gate that leads into the backyard. And I think Evan loves his list of projects. The first one being knocking out a wall and framing it for french doors to open up the living room. He did this yesterday while I was at work. I decided not to watch. He has taken many "before" pictures I hope to post soon.

My Buddy Buck

Earlier this week I was repeatedly feeling like I was forgetting something. I could not seem to figure out what it was. I kept expecting to arrive at school and realized something that I had forgotten, but it never happened.

Every Wednesday night at school I run the circle-up at 5:50 p.m. It is a time for us all to meet up, make announcements, and prepare for the evening. I run the circle-up and share a quotation from my sparkly blue book that houses all my quotations, pictures, and memories. It is also a time for me to share a little bit about my life with the kids. I started sharing about Buck and showed the kids these two pictures. I told them about the tiny little apartment I lived in because it was the only one I could find that allowed dogs, and how he went to the grocery store with me and waited in the car. I told them how he was my best friend, and my only friend here when I first moved here. I told them about how he went for a hike and never came back. All the emotions started to return, and I surprised myself with tears.

I told them about the dreaded drive home and how I would cry just thinking about the empty little house. I told them about the night I was driving home and almost had to pull over I was crying so hard and started thinking about all the good times, the hikes, the way he followed me and asked myself if I would give it up, give it all up to not feel the pain, the anguish I was feeling in that moment and how I answered "no." I told the kids how I realized that Buck tricked me, how I was ready to give up on love and settle for a dog. I told them how I was ready to give up on some of my dreams, but I did not because I was tricked by a dog. I did not plan to fall in love, to get hurt again, but I did. And I shared with them the quotation that is written on the page next to Buck's pictures:

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

The next day I was in yoga class, once again with that nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. As I lay against the wall in an inverted shavasana, trying to clear my mind but stuck with the sense that I was forgetting, I started to repeat the date in my head. November 19th, November 19th....Then it was almost impossible to stop the tears from dripping out of the corners of my eyes onto my mat. It was two years ago that I lost Buck and I still needed to mourn my friend, and remember and appreciate the lesson he taught me. "Though the body moves, the soul may stay behind: I miss you." Another quotation, another memory. It felt as if in the yoga class my body was finally able to connect with my mind, my soul and allow the pain that still lingers to seep out. All I had forotten was to slow down, and allow the hole he had left my heart to heal over a little.

Reggie in the Snow

Reggie loved the snow this winter. He loved burying his face in the snow, rolling in the snow, chasing snow, hiding in the snow, laying in the snow, licking snow, and eating snow. He loves snow. Evan and I got some great footage of him playing in some fresh snow, and I just got it off of Evan's camera. You can hear me laughing throughout the video...Reggie brought a lot of laughter to a long winter.