Thanks, Buck.

Well, I have not posted in ages. Buying a house, knocking out several of its walls, changing jobs, and planning a wedding kind of took over. Thing is, those would have all been good things to write about! And I still can...

Almost five years ago I lost my buddy Buck. I was devastated but the truth is losing him changed my life. You can ask any of my friends how I felt about marriage before I moved to Idaho and they would all tell you the same: I did not trust it and seem baffled by it. I was scared to death of commitment and easily felt "trapped" by a one year lease. I would scour lease agreements and I even remember reviewing my Roth IRA agreement looking for the loophole that would allow me to break the contract under extraneous circumstances. I did not like to commit. I always wanted a way out. I now know a lot of it was about trust.

After losing Buck I started opening up my heart to Evan but it was an excruciatingly slow process. When he told me he loved me I put a pillow over my head and refused to talk to him for at least 10 minutes. I am pretty sure he just laughed and told me he expected something along those lines. Around year two with Evan I decided to buy a house. I was not ready to have his name on the mortgage with mine but I was ok with consulting him at every turn, having him pay half the mortgage, knocking out the walls, digging up the plumbing and living with me. I am pretty sure it was once again about scrutinizing that contract for a way out. I suppose I had my out with him if I wanted it but Sandpoint and I were definitely committed.

When he proposed about a year later I am pretty sure the first thing out of my mouth was "Are you sure?" And he was ok with that, too. His manly ego was not scarred and he just smiled while I struggled internally with taking another step towards really, really trusting him. But when the wedding day came there was not a doubt in my mind that this man would be my husband and life partner and a really great one at that. The best part is that I never scrutinized our marriage vows looking for a way out and instead worked together with Evan to create vows that celebrated the love, partnership and dreams we both cherish in one another. Thanks, Buck. I could not have done it without you.