Happy Holidays...from Montana, Idaho, Washington, Utah, & California

Well, it's Christmas Day. I am at the Ramada Inn outside the Spokane Airport where they graciously let me use their internet even though I am not a guest. I am supposed to be on a plane to Los Angeles right now. That plane was canceled due to technical difficulty with the wing de-icer. From Los Angeles I was going to fly into San Diego to spend time with Maureen, Bobby, my mom, and Bill. Now, I will be flying to Salt Lake City, Utah and from there I will fly into San Diego. Yesterday, I was in Montana at the school with all the kids. Within 24 hours I will have visited five states on my holiday tour. That was not really my intention, but it sounds kind of cool.

Surprisingly, I have kept my cool. I was even dancing a little right after I heard because a song I liked was playing - Buck would have been proud! I remember the first time I had a flight get canceled on me I completely broke down sobbing and could not seem to get it together to even talk to the agent to get a new flight. I was not even going to miss any major event, I just could not handle my world changing on me. Did I mention I was in college when this happened? I was a very high strung girl. Maybe I am keeping my cool because I have lost my voice, so I could not pitch a fit if I wanted to (I got a slight cold and then laryngitis kicked in). Maybe it is because I have been through the experience of having a flight be canceled on Christmas day with debilitating back pain radiating down my leg causing me to limp through the airport drugged up on pain meds (on this occasion I was in Minneapolis and they wanted me to fly to Boston to get a connecting flight to Detroit after already flying in from Hawaii). There have been several other times where a flight was canceled or delayed and I let it ruin my mood, my day, probably even my whole trip. I could pass my relaxed attitude off on experience, or my physical well being right now, but I am not going to.

I find that I have become a more relaxed person. In other words, I think I am growing. I will not attribute it to "growing up," because I saw many "grown-ups" that lost their cool when the flight was canceled. I am simply growing, the direction is irrelevant. I have learned to take things as they come. I can choose how to respond to events in my life. Amor fati, choose your fate, love your fate. Events happen in my life that are out of my control, but that does not mean that my fate is out of my control. I can decide how I will respond and thus determine my fate, and thus love my fate. It is a little scary sometimes because all the responsibility is on me then, I cannot push it off onto fate, or God, or the powers that be. My life, my fate is my own. And right now, I love it. I may not be on my plane, I may not have a voice, I may not be with my family, but I am here. I am alive, I have an amazing job that was hard to leave for a weeks vacation because I will miss it, I live in an awe inspiring area full of beauty, and I am surrounding by love every day. I chose my fate, and I love my fate.

Merry Christmas and thanks for reading - it feels so good to have a voice even if only through the written word at the moment.

Winter is here!

Wahhoooo! I have been up on the mountain the past two days and it has felt so good! Not to mention all the sledding, sorrel soccer, and snow sculptures at school. I do not know the last time I have allowed myself to enjoy winter this much and really go out and play in the snow. Yesterday, was the ski-trip with the kids from school. It was a great day. There was plenty of new snow and the temperature seemed just about right. I really liked spending the time to help some of the kids get the hang of things. I also realized my skinny skis are a little out of date and do not allow me to "float" on the fresh powder. In some ways, I could not have cared less, I just had so much fun hanging out with the kids.


Today I went up for a little cross country skiing and I am feeling it in my muscles already. I brought the right poles and found it to be significantly easier. I owned the downhills, well until the tracks suddenly stopped and I went skidding across the trail. There were bluebird skies and it was incredibly gorgeous. The thought that kept going through my mind was, "I live here..." and having a hard time really comprehending that. I feel unbelievably lucky and more alive than I have in years. Who knew all this could come to pass from a little debilitating back pain and dropping out of my doctorate program??

Skiing

I am scheduled to go on a ski trip with some of the students from school on Thursday. I thought it might be a good idea to warm up my ski legs before then, seeing as it has been six years since I have been on skis. Feeling pretty anxious and very hesitant (to the point of driving all the way around the roundabout at the top of the mountain and beginning to head back down), I called my dad for a pep talk. I remember him being my faithful ski instructor as a kid, I know he would have some words of wisdom. He first asked if anyone was going with me. When I told him no, because I did not want to be embarrassed at my lack of skill. He made a comment about how if I did bring a friend it would be a sure way to lose them. He began to tell me of the last time he took me skiing, several years ago. Apparently, I fell down and he went over to help me up. The conversation (if you can call it that) went something like this:

D: Do you need some help, Sweetheart?

Erin: I hate this! And I hate you!

Dad: What's wrong, are you ok? (moves closer)

Erin: Get away from me!!

Dad: Ok, do you want me to just ski down the hill and leave you here?

Erin: Noooo! Don't you leave me here!

Dad: Ok, what can I do to help?

Erin: Shut up! Don't talk to me!

Dad: Ok, then I'm going to go.

Erin: Don't leave me here!!!

Dad: What do you want me to do then?

Erin: I told you to shut up!!!

After my conversation with him I started to make more sense of my skiing anxiety, I do not think it is a sport that came very naturally to me. However, today went fairly well. I hopped on the bunny hill and was amazed at my carving skills. Not one snow plow. The highlight of my bunny hill experience was riding the chairlift with a four-year old boy who had "Please hold onto me on the chairlift. I am only 4. I fell off the chairlift before." taped onto his helmet. His name was Jackson and he was so cute. As I went down the hill practicing my turns I was slightly embarrassed to realize the little guy had beat me down the hill, but that is only because I was working on my technique, right?

I started to get pretty confident in myself and headed up the mountain for a blue run. As I started getting higher in elevation the visibility began to lessen until I could only see several yards in front of me. The dread returned. As I got off the lift and stared down a hill I could not see what I was getting myself into, except for the fact that it dropped steeply in elevation, I asked myself what in the world I was thinking! To my surprise, I made it down the hill without falling and without any major panic attacks. Somehow, someway, skiing is ingrained in my body. My legs always seem to know what to do as my body weight shifts from side to side. I think I had a good teacher growing up. You could have left me on that hill years ago, but you didn't. Thanks, Dad.

Getting Back on the Horse

I made a commitment to get out of my "Buck funk" last weekend. It worked. I had spent quite a few weekends moping around my apartment spending a lot of time on the couch. I knew it needed to end. I knew I needed to bring some new energy into my life. My weekend started out great by going to see "Into the Wild" with my friend Laurah. It was a great film based off of the book by John Krakauer and I highly recommend it. Afterwards, I ran into some friends at Eichardts, and even made a few new ones.

On Friday, I ventured out cross-country skiing at Schweitzer's and was brutally reminded that there are mountains in Idaho. Cross-country skiing takes on a whole new meaning when one moves from Michigan to Idaho. There are hills on the trail, large ones. Needless to say, I came home with a large, swollen lump on my butt from repeatedly choosing to "sit down" instead of losing complete control. The second time I was sitting on the very hard, icy snow in my thin polypro, I was on the verge of getting mad at the world for my disheartening cross-country skiing experience. I thought of my puppy. He would have given me the "why are you sitting on the ground, we have a lot of exploring to do" head tilt. I would have laughed. So, I smiled, got up off my rump and continued on down the trail. When I elected to sit down once more, I even laughed out loud at the big city girl sitting in the snow in the middle of north Idaho. I also struggled significantly on the uphills, which I attributed to my lack of experience....I later figured out it was because I was using my alpine ski poles. Whoops!

On Friday night, I had dinner with friends and then we all went to hear a coworker belt out a little bluegrass at a local open mic night. On Saturday, I got up early and went and swam laps at the fitness center. It felt sooooo good to get back in the water. Erik and Kendra picked me up in the afternoon and we spent the day in Couer d' Alene hitting all the hot spots such as Costco, Michaels, and Lowes. Wherever I go, I somehow always find a married couple to adopt me as their single friend to tag along on roadtrips... I picked up a little tree at Lowes and came home and decorated it. Perhaps, in the spring it will find a home in my yard. On Sunday morning, I went out walking to the longbridge was once again awed that I live in such beautiful place. It never ceases to amaze me that this is my home! With music playing in my ears, I started dancing on the sand and knew my heart was alive.