My mom flew me home for the Fourth of July weekend to spend some time with my family. We originally were shooting for me to come to Michigan in June for JT and Nicco's graduation party but it did not work with my work schedule. The Fourth weekend was the next best option, and it worked out great. As we drove up north to Alpena I started think about how a year ago I was up in Alpena telling everyone how I was going out to Idaho for a job interview in a few days. This time I was telling them all about my job. As I said hello to all my cousins and hugged them I was taken aback as I realized they are the same age as a lot of my students. It blew me away to think of my cousins smoking pot, dropping acid, tripping on LSD, selling drugs, selling their bodies, having sex, running from the cops, or threatening their parents. Instead they were up north on a holiday weekend enjoying it with their family, catching minnows, tubing, shooting bee bee guns, reading, learning how to play poker with my brother, and going to church. I am so thankful they have chosen the life that they have. There is no reason to grow up too fast. My bittersweet moment came to me as I was kayaking with my Aunt Jan and my cousin Jenna. We were coming back to the dock and I looked up to see my grandma, my mom, my brother, and a handful of my cousins sitting around the dock. I have a lot of things in Idaho that remind me of Michigan. Lake Coeur d'Alene gives me what I used to get from The Great Lakes, there is plenty of snow, plenty of sun, plenty of forests and wide open spaces to put my mind at ease. What I cannot get in Idaho, that lives only in Michigan is the overwhelming sense of family and love. The feeling that someone knows me, really knows me from start to finish. That is what I miss. As I was getting ready to say goodbye to my mom I started to tear up. I explained to her that I was getting ready to go home, but I was already at home. I was feeling lost, confused, and neither here nor there. She told me it was clear to her where my home was as she reminded me that during the short time I was in Michigan I refused to get on the Eastern Time Zone. That was hard for me to swallow. It is hard to let go. 
Apparently, it is also hard for my cat MAX to let go, as the old guy is going on 14 years and still going strong.
I went on an amazing hike to Rock Lake awhile ago with some friends from work, Scott and Lisa. They are both on the Tuesday through Saturday schedule, and I am on the Sunday through Thursday schedule so we do not get a lot of time to spend together outside of work. My scheduled got all mixed up as a result of a another parent visit on campus, and I jumped at the chance to go hiking with them. Rock Creek was running on overdrive as a result of all of the snow melt with the warm weather. They told me to plan on doing some stream crossings, but I do not think any of us had any idea of what we were in store for. It was easy to step into the streams, but once I tried to take a step in the stream I thought I was going to be swept away. And oh boy was it it COLD. My toes went numb and my legs were shaking after one that was about 20 ft wide. We made it through all the crossings and up to the waterfall with an old mine shaft. From there it was almost all uphill in the sun, but I knew there was a cool treat waiting for me at the end: Rock Lake. Half of it was still covered in snow and ice, but I knew I needed to go in. Who hikes to an alpine lake and does not go swimming in it?? As my body submerged the thought going through my mind was, "This is what some people feel right before they die." Thankfully, the air was hot and the rocks were warm once I got out.
I say "back to the woods" like I was not cross-country skiing through them all winter, but there is still something different about hiking about the mountains slowly versus sliding through 
them on skis. I had to work Memorial Day, and as a result received the following Tuesday off and decided to two things. First I went to the trail that leads to "the Ghost." I do not know the real name of this trail, but that is what we refer to it as at the school. It is a wide trail off of a forest service road, probably an old forest service road itself, that leads to the base of a wide open field on a mountain side that is shaped like a ghost when looking at it from the school. This is the trail that Erik was hiking when Buck and Max went off on their adventure that Buck never returned from. I knew I needed to hike it and say goodbye to my buddy, my best, and first friend I made when I moved to Idaho. 
I took one of his favorite toys up there; a little, blue sesame street stuffed animal that Buck had chewed the head and several limbs off of and I had lovingly sewed back together several times in order to give Buck his buddy back. I also brought a small spade, and Max. When I got to the trail head I took down the laminated "Lost" flier with Buck's picture on it. We hiked up for maybe a half hour or so when Max took off into the woods after something. The moment felt right as Max ran off for a few moments and I thought about how it was that easy to lose a friend. That moment was all I was waiting for. I set down my backpack and dug a hole for Buck's beloved blue friend. I placed a few rocks over it, and without any tears (!) said goodbye to my buddy. I knew I was ready to let him go.
Max and I decided not to hike the rest of the ghost, but went to the next trail over, "Star Peak"
to start a new adventure. The trail up to Star Peak is not an easy one, it is a very strenuous uphill starting from the road. I was sweating before I even made it to the trail head! I went a little less than two house up, and decided I did not need to beat myself and could turn around. There were some gorgeous views of the Clark Fork River, and a plethora of wild flowers. My favorite was probably the wild growing orchids I found, but was unable to get a good picture. I have not yet taken the time to figure out what type of flower this pink beauty is. I think it looks a lot like a trillium, but it is pink!
The other great part of this trail was the waterfall that was in full swing given all the warm weather and snow melt off. I sat by it for quite awhile just amazed at the way it flowed through all the rocks and roots of the trees.
About two weeks ago I went for a little canoe on Lake Pend Oreille. The temperature had been up in the high 80's for a couple of days and I was just itching to be out on the water. It was absolutely wonderful. The water was unbelievably calm, and I felt just right with the sun blazing and a cool water breeze. If I got a little too hot all I had to do was dip my foot in the icy water and I was quickly regulated. We put in at Denton Slough and went around the Hope Peninsula to Sam Owen State Park. Near the shore where we put in there were a handful of immature bald eagles, and then mature bald eagle or two flying around. As we paddled away from the shore toward the edge of the peninsula and the lake unfolded before me I was in awe once again. "I live here..." just kept rolling through my mind like I was trying to convince myself that it was true. I have gone canoing my fair share, but never on a lake while surrounded by mountains. 
There was one thing I forgot to mention about last weekend. After the parent seminar I felt like I was literally walking on air, and very proud of myself for making a choice in my life that has paid off so well. However, knowing myself as well as I do I knew that by working a seven day week, the last day of which was going to be a 14 hour day I needed to have a little down time all by myself to decompress even if I did not feel like I needed it. All my friends were headed to a birthday party cookout, and as much as I wanted to throw on some jeans and head on over on my little high, I knew I needed to take a break from the world. Who knew taking a break from the world was so easy to do in northern Idaho?I grabbed Max and Rosco and jumped in my car outfitted with my new pair of rubber rain boots or "Wellies" as my supervisor so lovingly calls them. I drove a mere five miles to the wild game preserve up the road and set out for my walk. As I approached the swampy pond on the western end of the preserve I stopped for a couple of minutes and just looked around me. There were snow capped mountains surrounding me and it was unbelievably quiet except for the sound of natural wildlife. Within minutes I had set aside my busy day and was enjoying the natural beauty of the world, my world. I was so incredibly thankful in that moment for finding this home, and making it my home. I felt lucky and blessed for living the life that I am living right now.
This has been a long week. Typically I work five day weeks, this was a seven day week. I have eleven students that I am guiding through the program, I often call them "my kids." My kids' parents came to school to town on Friday and stayed through Sunday. On Friday, I spent half the day with just the parents preparing them for their weekend with their children, my children. To start off the seminar everyone shared why they were here. When it came to my turn I said that I was here because I love watching people grow and change. That says it most succinctly, but it lacks the eloquence I was hoping for. I love my job, that was reaffirmed over and over again this weekend, and I wish I could just find the words to explain what I love. There was one moment when a parent was checking in and said how much he appreciated that I knew his son, really knew his son and had him "dialed in." Another parent who I have had a few difficult phone conversations with and was anticipating a less than warm welcome from looked straight at me during his check in and said how great it was to see me after all our phone conversations. He afterwards gave me a huge hug. As I relayed to one parent the games his son plays with me when he wants something, the father turned to look at me and said, "You mean, he does that with you, too?" I just smiled and nodded, knowing full well I get brunt end of all the fun attention/love games these children have devised over the years. "You must be somewhat of a surrogate parent to him then, to all these children, aren't you?" was his response. All these little interactions just melted my heart. I know a large part of it was the feeling that I was mending families, and in the process I was creating a family of my own. And it was ok, and it was safe and I was not ruining anything.I left the seminar just glowing. I love my job. I love what I am helping to create, communication and love between families. I love that I am learning how to be a parent. In the spotty cell phone reception of western Montana I managed to get a hold of my mom. I told her how in love I was. I could almost see her smiling. "You made a good choice then," she said. I told her I was definitely going to work here for a few more years and keep saving the world, one family at a time. I then started talking about the future and how after that I would go back to school and get a degree in Industrial Organization Psychology and make the big bucks once I was done saving the world. Typical me, I was not staying in the present moment. "You're right you could, but all the money in the world couldn't give you the feeling you have right now" my mom said. Thanks for brining me back to the present mom, and for reminding me that what I am doing right now is good enough.I spent all day Saturday, and I mean all day (14 hours) at the school with my kids and their parents. I did family sessions throughout the day with each family checking in to see how everyone was doing. One boy threw up after telling his mom all the things he had been doing at home. Another boy was crying at the mere thought of having to say goodbye again. One parent became really honest with his son about how much he felt taken advantage of and then began weeping with his son in his arms at his own perceived failure as a father. After one family session with one family the father, who says very little, literally picked me up off the ground several inches as he hugged me. During last light I watched my "tough" boys cry in their mother's arms, and one mother weep as she thanked the students in the school for the love they have showed her son. I saw fathers cry as they held their sons. It was one of the most beautiful weekends I have had. I feel so blessed to be witness to such love and beauty. I could not thank these families enough for allowing me into the most intimate parts of their lives, and trusting me with their children.
Maybe spring is not coming... It snowed yesterday in Montana!! April 30th and it snowed! Not a whole lot of snow, but there were definately flakes falling and landing on me. Please cross your fingers that May is bringing no more snow! We need sun in Montana to melt the piles of snow still decorating the campus.
