My Puppy

Buck is missing. He went hiking in the mountains in Montana with one of my coworkers and his dogs. His dog and Buck ran off after something/one another. An hour later his dog came back and Buck never did. He searched for hours and called and called. He picked me up from work and we searched for another 2 hours. This was Wednesday night. He had Thursday morning off work and went out again. No luck. I went out there today with a coworker and hiked the whole trail calling for my boy. No luck. I told as many people as possible about him and I am getting some fliers made up as we speak to post in the area. He also has a microchip in the event that he loses his collar he can be scanned to retrieve my phone number. I am dealing with this better than I was earlier. I feel better having done so much for him today and my Ginas have been incredibly supportive.

Yesterday I just broke down as I was leaving work because I did not want to go home to an empty house. I found so much support from my colleagues and the kids at the school. I wanted to hold this all in, but everyone at work knew and the kids were hugging me all day. I can see the mountains he is lost in from work and I just kept imaging him up there. I just kept alternating between distracting myself to a point of "being fine" and then crying when the truth snuck up. I know I have only had him for a bit, but he has just been my constant companion here. He is there when I come out of the shower, he comes into the bathroom when I pee and lies down on the bathmat, he wakes me up in the morning if I do not get out of bed when my alarm goes off. He tries to cuddle with me when we're in the car. If I sit on the floor and watch tv he lays his head on me. I can see so many lessons in this, and I am grateful for learning them, but I want him back. I know I have kept myself away from intimate relationships because I do not want to feel the pain if the relationship did not work out, but as I sit here and ask myself if this pain right now is worth the joy Buck brought my life, I know it is. I know in some ways these things are not comparable, but what I'm speaking about is loss. Loving like you have never been hurt. I know losing him has made me more vulnerable at work. If this had not happened at work I know I would have tried to go through my day like nothing was wrong and told people I was tired if they asked what was wrong. Having so many kids come up and hug me, just silently hug me was so good for me. I never want people to see me sad, to see me vulnerable, but all those hugs today felt so good. Repeatedly going to that space of pain in front of people was worth it for all the support it brought. So now I am asking for your support. Even if you just say a prayer, or do whatever you do, put positive thoughts in the universe. He craves love so much I still believe the little rascal might come home.