Running Towards

I am not exactly sure how many times I have been asked some variation of the question, "Wow, Michigan, so what were you running away from to come all the way to Idaho?" It is not only since I've been here that people have asked that, but also as I was preparing to leave Michigan those that did not know me well would ask that same question. I always found it troubling. I never felt like I was running. As I told a fellow therapist about this he was quick to suggest projection. It made sense seeing as there may be many people here that did run away to Idaho to escape something or someone. I however, did not ever feel like I was running. In fact, by strict orders from my physical therapist I have not ran, or jogged in long time, and it will not be happening anytime soon because it's pretty evident that it brings on radiating leg pain (thanks Erick!).

What came to me today was the thought that my only choice in this question is "running away." What about walking away? Or even better, what about running (or a brisk walk in my case...) towards. I decided to make them options and re-evaluate. I did not take me long to think of all the things I walked away from. I walked away from a lot of family and very close friends that live in Michigan and most likely will for a long time. I walked away from my back pain and everything that I had learned to associate it with. I walked away from my doctorate program. I walked away from a very promising position as a private practice clinician in a great clinic. I also walked away from a job in which I would spend most of my time sitting. In essence, I feel I walked away from what was leading to a very "comfortable" life. The odd thing was that the comfort scared me. I realized I was not ready to get comfortable. I wanted to try something new and I wanted to be more active in my job; I needed to be more active in my job.

What then did I run towards? I ran towards a place that when I first set eyes on it I was moved by its majestic beauty. I ran towards a job where my primary responsibility is to create a safe and loving space for 70 kids to grow and learn to feel their emotions. I ran towards a job where I have lost track of the number times my supervisor has said, "I want you to know how happy I am that you are here and a part of our staff. I don't think I can say that enough." I ran out on a shaky limb knowing that that is where the fruit is. I ran towards an aunt I always wished I knew better as I was amazed at our similarities. I ran towards my puppy, Buck. I ran towards the great outdoors. I ran towards the challenge of opening up and being vulnerable in order to make new friends. I ran towards the hope of inner peace.

At lunch on Wednesdays we have 20 minutes of silence to slow down, and reflect on what we are thankful for. All other meals we have about 30 seconds of silence. As the silence hits me and I ask myself what I am thankful for, without fail my inner voice says, "I am thankful to be here." As I thought about that on my scenic drive home one day, tears came to my eyes. I realized the "here" I was speaking of was not just work, or Montana, or even Idaho. I was speaking of being present in the "here and now" and not wishing I were someplace else. I was speaking of being thankful to be here, amongst the living in mind and body. In the last year I spent many days lost in the land of pain and pain medication wishing to be somewhere, and someone else. I am incredibly thankful to be here, now.

In short, I believe I ran towards being. I know this is a lot heavier than my previous posts, but I was feeling the need to clarify, for myself, and I guess whoever is reading.

"Forward, forward, let us not disappoint the moon before us."