amor fati

Out with the Old, In with the New

2010-06-09T13:07:00.001-07:00

This is Evan tearing out part of the door frame in the house. My anxiety went up that week. I came home to plastic everywhere and lots of drywall dust. Not to mention stories of almost cutting live wires while re-routing the electrical.

My favorite moment in retrospect, but least favorite moment at the time was holding up drywall for Evan while insulation fell on me. The house I had just bought with the majority of my savings was falling on me. I was so excited to go to work that day and escape the drywall dust.

The wall is gone now. And the house is much more open. It was worth the growing pains.

While he was busy tearing things out, I spent my time planting new things in the yard. Note the missing fence behind me. He dug out the old posts and put in new ones, as well as a gate! And if you look to the right of the bags of concrete you can see Reggie sitting in the yard, untethered like a good boy. Maybe it was because he got shocked earlier for not playing nice with his dog-friend Kona...

With all this rain we have had recently, I have barely had to water my tomato plants. Keep thinking of the positives. The soil at the house is also great. Lots of worms. Some are a little too big for my taste, but I know they are working hard.

Embracing Chaos

2010-05-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

Embracing chaos. This has been the theme of the last two weeks. We have a house full of boxes and projects. After about three days of packing, and two of unpacking I had my fill of pizza, pizza rolls, sandwiches, and pre-made food from the deli counter at both grocery stores. I was desperate for a real meal. There is definitely a part of my and Evan's relationship that revolves around cooking. The guy loves to eat and we both love to cook. I prefer recipes, and he shoots from the hip.

On my way home from work on Sunday, I went to Yokes, the "fresh market" here in Sandpoint. I bought a lot of vegetables that were bright and appealing, and salmon, chorizo and spicy Italian sausage from the meat counter. I did not know what my plan was, or how I planned on cooking in my mess of a kitchen still filled with boxes, but I was going to make it happen. I wanted a meal.

Evan was elbow deep in kitchen and bathroom sink drains when I got home. I had a feeling I was on my own. I pulled out the salmon, sifted through some boxes until I found spices, and somehow chopped some garlic with the little counter space I had. I let the fish sit and when to Starbucks to use the internet to post our extra appliances on craigslist.

Believe it or not, I came home and baked my salmon. I also roasted some herbed potatoes, chopped fresh veggies, and made rice. My cooking slowly enticed Evan to come out from under the bathroom sink. I cleared off the end our table and squeezed in two plates and our feast. It was all makeshift, but it was us, eating good food in our new home.

And if you are wondering about the chorizo. It and the Italian sausage went into a great bolognese sauce two days later to share with our friend Jon after assisting Evan with getting the washer and dryer running. It included re-wiring the circuit box during which they both saw white light. I figured I owed him a good meal...

Reggie Turns Two!

2010-04-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

My little puppy is growing up. Not really. He is still a puppy, and with the wheaten disposition, I do not see that changing anytime soon. We got him a can of wet food for his birthday and put a candle in it. He knew something was up as soon as the can opened. He walked around in circles with his nose in the air.

Before Reggie eats he must sit, lie down and then wait. He has been doing this since he was just a pup. The books said repetition was the best way to ingrain behavior, so he sits, lies down, and waits for my command twice a day. The unfortunate part is that he still gets confused with "Ok!" and sometimes continues to wait after I say it. I never said he was bright. If you look closely in this picture you can see that he is slightly raised off the ground, only his forearms and back legs are touching the ground. He was just a little excited. Later that day we came home from a walk and he went back to his empty bowl and continued to lick it.

Even though he likes the wet food, I think the better birthday present was the awesome yard he received three days later filled with sticks with his name on them. He really likes to watch squirrels. His bed is by a patio door and he just sits there watching the squirrels chase each other.

I bought a house!

2010-04-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

Well, for those of you who were thinking I was coming back to Michigan soon, sorry to burst your bubble, but I will be here for awhile. Well, at least that is the plan.

I am hoping to add some posts to this blog more often as we make some drastic changes to the house. I officially closed on Monday, although I paid for the house and signed papers on Friday. The closing process has been very long. I think close to a month. First the appraiser made several errors on his appraisal and they had to be adjusted before we could sign. Second, the seller (the bank) would not sign the paperwork because in February the county sent a letter to them letting them know that the address of the house would change sometime in the next year to adjust for 911 standards and the bank just changed the address without waiting for the notification. As a result, they would not sign paperwork on a house at 1419 Spruce because they thought they owned 1611 Spruce. In the midst of all this I have my not so normal work schedule, working in middle of nowhere Montana so that I could not just come in to sign during my lunch hour, and I traveled to Chicago, and the plane ride led to a perforated eardrum. It has been a long couple of weeks.

The good part is. The house is mine. And Reggie LOVES his yard. Every time we go over there he bolts for the gate that leads into the backyard. And I think Evan loves his list of projects. The first one being knocking out a wall and framing it for french doors to open up the living room. He did this yesterday while I was at work. I decided not to watch. He has taken many "before" pictures I hope to post soon.

My Buddy Buck

2009-11-21T09:31:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week I was repeatedly feeling like I was forgetting something. I could not seem to figure out what it was. I kept expecting to arrive at school and realized something that I had forgotten, but it never happened.

Every Wednesday night at school I run the circle-up at 5:50 p.m. It is a time for us all to meet up, make announcements, and prepare for the evening. I run the circle-up and share a quotation from my sparkly blue book that houses all my quotations, pictures, and memories. It is also a time for me to share a little bit about my life with the kids. I started sharing about Buck and showed the kids these two pictures. I told them about the tiny little apartment I lived in because it was the only one I could find that allowed dogs, and how he went to the grocery store with me and waited in the car. I told them how he was my best friend, and my only friend here when I first moved here. I told them about how he went for a hike and never came back. All the emotions started to return, and I surprised myself with tears.

I told them about the dreaded drive home and how I would cry just thinking about the empty little house. I told them about the night I was driving home and almost had to pull over I was crying so hard and started thinking about all the good times, the hikes, the way he followed me and asked myself if I would give it up, give it all up to not feel the pain, the anguish I was feeling in that moment and how I answered "no." I told the kids how I realized that Buck tricked me, how I was ready to give up on love and settle for a dog. I told them how I was ready to give up on some of my dreams, but I did not because I was tricked by a dog. I did not plan to fall in love, to get hurt again, but I did. And I shared with them the quotation that is written on the page next to Buck's pictures:

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

The next day I was in yoga class, once again with that nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. As I lay against the wall in an inverted shavasana, trying to clear my mind but stuck with the sense that I was forgetting, I started to repeat the date in my head. November 19th, November 19th....Then it was almost impossible to stop the tears from dripping out of the corners of my eyes onto my mat. It was two years ago that I lost Buck and I still needed to mourn my friend, and remember and appreciate the lesson he taught me. "Though the body moves, the soul may stay behind: I miss you." Another quotation, another memory. It felt as if in the yoga class my body was finally able to connect with my mind, my soul and allow the pain that still lingers to seep out. All I had forotten was to slow down, and allow the hole he had left my heart to heal over a little.

Reggie in the Snow

2009-04-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Reggie loved the snow this winter. He loved burying his face in the snow, rolling in the snow, chasing snow, hiding in the snow, laying in the snow, licking snow, and eating snow. He loves snow. Evan and I got some great footage of him playing in some fresh snow, and I just got it off of Evan's camera. You can hear me laughing throughout the video...Reggie brought a lot of laughter to a long winter.

Skiing with Evan @ Schweitzer

2009-03-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

Well, the good news is that Evan and I are still dating. If you are confused why I am mentioning this as an introduction to a post about skiing, read my entry about skiing with my dad from early winter last year. When alpine skiing, I can turn into an eight year old in a very short period of time. For instance, instead of calmly mentioning that I am starting to get cold, I pronounce with a whiny edge, "I'm cold!" As if I want the person I am speaking to fix the situation. Thankfully, this did not happen with Evan, well maybe it just a little bit.

It was a great day, with a gorgeous blue bird sky, and perfect visibility (which does not happen often at Schweitzer). We started the day out with him taking me through fresh powder for the first time! I was on my roommate Julie's shaped skis (so much better than my old school skinny skis!), and he was tele-skiing. It was definitely different. I can see how it would be fun, but at the moment I was a little overwhelmed how different the snow reacted beneath me. He took me on all the lifts I had never been on before at Schweitzer (I tend to stick to the same three because I know what to expect.). I was particularly happy with learning how to actually use my poles. After learning to ski at such a young age my body knew how to ski better than my mind, and at some point my body decided to stop using my poles. So my mind decided to just use them when I wanted to slow down. They work much more effective as a tool to assist one in turning. I loved practicing my turns and working on leaning into my boots more.

We took a break at lunch and let Reggie out of the car to relieve himself. We kept throwing snowballs up the snow berms with fresh powder on them. He had a blast, and was very tired by the end. We went back up for a couple of runs. I knew instantly when I was done. Suddenly, every run looked "really steep" and I was having trouble simply turning. I would go across the mountain in these long arcs before coming off the groomer into powder mounds that made turning even more difficult. At the start of our last run, while Evan stopped ahead of me to wait, I called down to him, "I think I am done skiing now." He gently reminded me that I would need to ski down the mountain before I could be done. I hate it when he is right.

I made it down, and apparently looked good doing it according to Evan. I am incredibly thankful he is so patient.

Maximillian Thomas or MAX the cat

2009-01-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

We adopted him February 18th, 1994. That means he was just shy of his 15th birthday. He was quite the trooper. When he was just a kitten he used to bat at the buttons on the couch, and when you held him in your arms his little paws void of claws would knead at your arms as he purred in satisfaction. I read once that the kneading was representative of a kitten's attachment to its mother. It would knead at its mother's teats to get more milk, and transfers the kneading response to anything else pleasurable in its life when it wants more. They also knead in order to transfer their scent onto you, or whatever they are kneading. As Bill, Maureen, and I held MAX (my mom and I decided awhile ago that MAX's name was always to be written in capitals) the first day we met him at the vet's office, he kneaded on my arm. He wanted more, and he wanted us to be his.

As he grew up MAX became the neighborhood bouncer. He was lean and muscular with a swagger to scare off any kitten. And he loved to eat. I had a friend once tell me about a large cat that had come into his sun room and eaten his cats' food. He described the cat, and sure enough it was MAX. We often heard tales of how MAX had bullied a cat off his own porch just to sit a particular patch of sun. He was also a lover. We had one neighbor come over one day with over 15 pictures of MAX laying in the grass soaking up the sun. He used to help my mom garden by chasing clumps of weeds into the raspberry bushes where he was known to eat a raspberry or two when they were especially ripe. Naturally, I put him through a fair amount of torture by giving him regular baths, dressing him up in my doll clothes, and even tossing him in the hot tub once to see if he knew how to swim (he did). MAX always preferred to pee outside, to the extent that he would even venture out in the snow, delicately shaking his paws after every step.

As the years went on and MAX's muscles started to sag, and he became a homebody, yet his shoulders still held their broad posture. His swagger turned to more of an awkward, bow legged hobble. We started giving him cortisone shots for his arthritis. My favorite part was when Dr. White would say, "He'll be doing back flips in no time." This past October when I was home he jumped up on Evan's chest while he was napping. MAX never did this. He preferred to sit next to Bill, laying lengthwise against his legs. Bill always tried to get him to lay on his chest to no avail. All on his own, MAX jumped up on Evan and laid down. He placed one paw above Evan's wrist, and one below as if to grasp his arm. I think he was happy with who I had brought home.

Today was MAX's last day. The cortisone only helps for so long until quality of life declines. When I left for Germany in high school MAX became Bill's buddy. He knew I was his mom, but Bill was his best bud. I know Bill did everything he could to make MAX's last hours special, and I can only imagine that he was kneading his paws as he fell asleep for the last time.

Winter Has Arrived

2009-01-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

I moved. Again. I tried living in a town of 500 people, and decided it was not for me. I enjoyed the short commute to work, but not the long drive to "town." The easily accessible wilderness was also a bonus. This picture is from Thanksgiving and our walk we went on up Lightening Creek road with all the dogs. In addition, Erik and Kendra are expecting a little cherub to enter their lives any day now. I am not yet ready to enter the "baby" stage of my life, whether it is my baby or not. I see myself as very comfortable in the "dog" stage of my life. There is bike, car, plant, dog, house and then baby. First, we learn how to be responsible for and take care of our bikes and everything that goes with that such as cleaning, learning the rules of the road, thinking ahead about weather, safety. Then we get a car, when we are ready to take care of a living thing we get a plant (or some type of caged animal). Dogs are a big step up from plants and caged animals as they actively speak out if you do not care for them. Babies are a huge step up from dogs that I am no where near ready to take. I need to teach Reggie to come first!

I love my new place in Sandpoint. It is a newer duplex I am sharing with my friend Julie and a previous roommate of hers. It is also conveniently just a couple blocks down the road from Evan. I am excited to have a little femininity in my life, and also just being closer to conveniences like the grocery store and the bank. It took me awhile to settled into being in town. I realized my first month here I was spending more money than usual at the grocery store. I thought back to when I lived in Clark Fork and remembered how any time I was in Sandpoint I went to the grocery store as often as I needed to, and every time I thought of something I needed. Once I was back in Clark Fork the variety was limited and the price was high. I just have to get back to city living.

Another joy of city living is the city plowing. The snow banks get surprisingly high along the sides of the residential streets. This does three things. The streets get quite narrow, which just makes snow driving a little more challenging. Secondly, when passing through an intersection there is always the question if another vehicle is approaching and often times sticking your nose out to check becomes a little risky. Thirdly, the snow blocks my mailbox and as a result the postal service does not deliver my mail and I have to go to the post office to pick it up. Why do I not just shovel the snow away? It is not just snow, it is large ice chunks and I could only imagine how cold it would be to lie on my back in the snow covered street after my back gives out from shoveling large ice chunks.

Reggie, on the otherhand, LOVES the snow. He repeatedly shoves his face in the snow and rolls around on his back in the large drifts. He burrows through deep snow and jumps like a large rabbit. Reggie was not made to love the snow. His hair is long and the snow clumps up around his face and legs to the point where he has trouble seeing and walks bow legged. It is not that I do not like the snow, I love how white it is and the way it covers everything. I love it when I am on skis, or snow shoes. I do not like it when it covers the road and it is hard to drive. I do not like it when I cannot get my mail. I do love seeing Reggie play in the snow.

Reggie's Social Skills

2008-11-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

Evan and I both had a couple of days off last week and decided to spend it in Seattle. He spent a good chunk of time taking care of his mom after her shoulder surgery to repair her rotator cuff. Naturally, Reggie came with us and I spent a good chunk of my time entertaining Reggie. He was such a good boy. I love having a dog that can travel with me and make himself at home anywhere. He would spend hours just playing in the backyard. I would watch him just explore the whole yard with his nose to the ground. He eventually assembled a pile of what he considered interesting objects in the middle of the yard, such as a watering can, a large stick, and an old tennis ball.

One afternoon I headed out to a city park in search of the dog park hidden within it. I was very proud of Reggie's social skills as he bounded into the park and sniffed every dog's butt with no discrimination. He played with large and small dogs alike and wanted to be everyone's friend. He came home and laid like a fuzzy rug on the floor for the rest of the day.

The next day we drove to a dog park near Lake Washington and once again Reggie was in heaven. He sniffed every butt he could and wanted to play with every dog we walked by. He was filthy after a good hour of play so we decided to see if he was interested in swimming. You betcha. He bounded through the waves as if he was trying to catch them. Unfortunately, he was unable to demonstrate his well honed fetch skills as every time we threw the ball he was distracted by another dog and decided that other dogs were more exciting than balls.

It was great to spend some time getting to know the big city on foot. And as always, I enjoyed visiting Whole Foods and salivating in front of the cheese.

Down for the Count

2008-11-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

About two years ago I hurt my back and was down for the count...for quite awhile. The physical pain numbed me out to everything in my life and sucked me into a empty void. Every time I felt pain run down through my leg, or was restricted by my physical limitations the mantra that went through my head was, "I want my life back." As I went through physical therapy, pain pills, nerve stimulation, personal therapy, and epidural injections my pain started to subside. Unfortunately, after months of being void of feeling I no longer was sure of who I was and where I was going. It became clear that if I wanted my life back I was going to have to fight for it. And fight I did. After fighting for one's life, it becomes clear that it is not worth it to settle, for anything. I knew my life was worth so much more. When I got back up and back into the game of life I made the decision to find a job that would consist of more activity than sitting in a chair and talking. I moved to Idaho and created a lifestyle for myself that I thought was only possible when on vacation.

My back is not perfect. I know there are things that irritate it, and other things that bring me relief. While home in Michigan I did a handful of things that irritate my back. I came home and decided to take a long hike to bring a little peace back to my body. If you know me at all, you know I tend to push myself. Reggie and I went out for a beautiful hike with golden leaves and spectacular views on a clear day. As my heels blistered as a result of not hiking much all summer, I pushed on. I did not stay hydrated. I did not rest. I just pushed in the name of bringing peace back to my body. Ironic, I know. When I got home I rested, and stretched a little, yes, only a little. A day later I threw my back out by bending over to help up a student. All in the name of bringing peace back to my body...

I knew the pain well, and the silent tears that fall without control. I stayed calm and I used my breath. If anything, I know how to take care of myself when the pain sets in. I know not to do it all alone. I know when I want to quit and I am frozen in my fear, it means I need to reach out for help. I made it to the doctor with the help of a friend, took my meds, and asked for a prescription for physical therapy. I knew what I needed. I may know what to do when the pain sets in, but my judgment starts to fail when the pain subsides. That is when I want to do all the things I have spent days not doing, and jump back into my life with reckless abandon. And then the pain returns, and with it fear.

I am stuck in this cycle now. I am taking it day by day and looking forward to starting physical therapy on Tuesday. I spoke to my old physical therapist and he graciously found me a physical therapist in the area. Erick was my saving grace when I was ready to give up, and just hearing his voice reminded me that I can do this. I can re-strengthen my back, and get back to my journey. I believe my back pain is always a reminder for me to re-evalute my choices and my path. And I do not have to do it alone.

Tour de Michigan

2008-10-24T16:46:00.000-07:00

While in Michigan there were several comments made about my lack of posting lately. I cannot argue. My only excuse is that Reggie was a handful of sorts for about the first month. The good news is that he is potty trained and no longer eating rocks! Just yesterday he walked over to the sliding door and sat there with an expectant look. There was no barking, no whining, just waiting. I was incredibly proud, not to mention thankful that I just might be done scrubbing the carpets free of excrement and urine.

I spent the last week in Michigan, and I can honestly say, "I did it all." I saw all my aunts and uncles, some of my cousins, grandma, mom, dad, and all my closest friends. I was in metro Detroit, Traverse City, Charlevoix, Midland, Ann Arbor, and Kalamazoo. To top it all off, the colors were at their peak and all the driving was well worth it. Evan came with me and was a great sport through the whole whirlwind tour. However, his favorite day was the one where we just hung out at home in Midland. I was so worried he would not be "entertained" and it seems he did not need any "entertaining" at all. He helped around the house, went to hit some golf balls, and then put up his feet and took a nap. What was I doing? A little shopping, of course. If there is one thing North Idaho is missing, it is quality shopping. We have plenty of shops for fancy pants tourists, but not so much for the metropolitan girl gone west. I do not think Detroit was ever a great fit for me, but I could not complain about the shopping.

Leaving my friends and family was hard. The first thought was, "why in the world do I live so far away from everyone I love??" It is easy to get caught up in that kind of talk, but I know that everything is different when you are a visitor. I remember living in Michigan and barely finding time where a few of us could make a simple afternoon of tea and chitchat. Everyone has time for you when you live on the other side of the country. I also remember how much I needed to do something for me, and set out on my own adventure. I have, and I am blessed for everything I have found.

To see the rest of the pictures click here.

Demolition Derby

2008-08-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

The last two weekends the highlight, by far, has been attending events at the Bonner County Fair. I just may be turning into a country girl. Last Friday night Evan and I went out to the rodeo. It was my first rodeo and it definitely kept my attention. Barrel racing, calf roping, bull riding...these folks are crazy. Did you know they tie a rope around the bull's testicles to get it to buck? They give it good pull right before they open the gate.

Friday night we went over to buy our demolition derby tickets (yes, we got them in advance because they often sell out) and toured all the animals. There was a pig auction going on so we sat in for awhile. When I saw the first pig go for $2.50 I got so excited. I wanted to buy a pig more than anything. I was going to take it down to Woods to get butchered and eat sausage and pork loin for months (I never really thought about how I would get it there...). Evan was quick to tell me that they were being auction off per pound. My dreams were shattered.

Last night was the demolition derby. We met some friends there, and everyone got so into it. The kids had ear plugs in and Evan and Russ were making a racket. I had just as much fun watching the derby as listening to Evan and Russ. We watched a few cars light on fire and start smoking. One was smoking so much it filled up half the arena. Slowly but surely, I am becoming a north Idaho girl.

Meet Reggie!

2008-08-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

I must like getting dogs in August. As I was writing the title I realized that it was a little less than a year ago that I wrote, "Meet Buck." This also means that I have been living in Idaho for over a year! It is hard to believe how quickly it has passed. Reggie is a soft coated wheaten terrier. Despite living in northern Idaho, there is still a bit of the high maintenance city girl in me. Reggie is a pure bred. Believe it or not, he was flown to me from Nebraska.

I had quite a time trying to get him out here. The forcasted temperature of the final destination has to be 85 degrees or lower. Reggie was set to ship out during one of our many heat waves. Twice, his flight got canceled. Jon and Noel were kind enough to pick Reggie up at the airport once they dropped Maggie off. I came home from work last Tuesday to this little guy covered in pee just dying to be loved. And of course, I loved him, regardless of the pee.

Time to be honest. Reggie is a handful. There is a huge difference between getting a 4 month old puppy and a 10 month old house broken puppy. Reggie had trouble pooping when I first got him. I used Kendra's home remedy of pumpkin pie filling to loosen things up. Sure enough, things started moving. One day he pooped on the deck and as I went to clean it up I realized why Reggie was having trouble pooping. Reggie eats rocks. A lot of dogs like to pick up rocks and roll them around in their mouth and might accidentally swallow them. Not Reggie. Reggie eats rocks and dirt. I did some research and apparently pica is very common in puppies. Unfortunately, it is also very dangerous as he could require surgery if he eats a rock that his little intestines cannot pass. As a result of Reggie's interesting appetite and the large amount of rocks in my yard (the house is on an old river bed...) he must be supervised at all times to help him break the habit. I am hoping it is in relation to him cutting new teeth and will pass in time. It is beyond frustrating to watch someone you love repeatedly hurt themselves. It brings up all too familiar feelings which has left me particularly emotional lately.

The good news it the pumpkin pie filling is a great home remedy for constipation in dogs. The bad news is that I think I gave him too much. Being woken up in the middle of the night solely by the smell of puppy poop is by far one of the most disgusting things I have experienced in my life. Poor little guy cannot hold it in. If you have not noticed, I spend a lot of my time researching, and talking about poop now. It takes up a large portion of my day. I have had minutes taken off my life by three simple words, "Do your business, do your business." Speaking of poop. Reggie needs a bath.

Maggie & Jon Visit!

2008-08-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Maggie and Jon came to visit for five days. As I took them to all my favorite spots, and explored new places with them and Evan I was reminded of the beauty I am surrounded by. Just seeing the expressions on their faces reminded of how I felt a year ago as I drank this all in for the first time. I would be anxious at times worrying that they were getting bored because we had been driving for awhile, and then I would hear one of them talk about how just driving was beautiful. I used to be the same way. How quickly one forgets...
It was great to have friends in town and completely let go. It has been a long time since I have pulled some props down from the shelf and gotten ridiculous. We ate a lot of great food, despite Jon's reluctance to trust my quesadilla making technique. We even made it out to Eichardt's one night for a little shuffleboard.

Next post: pictures of my new puppy, Mr. Reginald Bing! He goes by Reggie, don't worry!

Vancouver Island

2008-08-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

At the end of July I embarked on a journey of taking eight teenagers into British Columbia for two weeks. I will spare you the details of all the drama with the kids, and focus on what I got out of the trip. This was a "Gift Trip" in which students who are about to graduate give back to others. We volunteered at a Camphill Community for ten days. Camphill is a community for folks with special needs. It gives them the opportunity to be a part of a family, to work, socialize, and also learn new skills. We also spent three days in the delightful city of Victoria. We were fortunate enough to be there for their 150 year celebration. At Glenora Farm we made a great camp in a maple grove on the edge of their property. I was delighted to use all the gear I picked up in my years working at Climb Kalamazoo. I was so happy in my little tent. I had girls sleeping in tents on one side of me, and boys on the other. Most of the work we did to help the community was in the garden. They had meters of carrots and cabbage that were in desperate need of weeding. After that we moved on to harvesting garlic, which included pulling it out, braiding it, and then hanging it to dry in the barn. We picked buckets upon buckets of beans. Yellow beans, green beans, purple beans (that turn green when you cook them), and purple and yellow beans. And let us not forget the snow peas. I took great pleasure in weeding and harvesting in the garden. It was beyond relaxing to work outside for others with absolutely no pressure to get a certain amount of work done. Everything from one bean to 100 was appreciated. Unfortunately, my lower back did not quite agree with me. As the week went on and the farm was having trouble keeping up with the amount of food coming in from the garden I started to help in the house with processing the food. I helped my buddy Chris shred zucchini, snap beans, and string peas. I generally move pretty fast in in my thoughts and emotions on a daily basis. All that fell away for me at Glenora Farm. I moved slow, and I felt so light. No weight, no pressure. No expecations, except just to be present in the moment. My buddy Chris had the simple job of shredding zucchini. When he would finish some he would open the lid, look in and say, "Good job, Buddy" which a huge smile on his face. I can do a lot of things that Chris cannot do. I can speak in full sentences. I can run, I can read, I can write. I can get a college education. What I cannot do that Chris can do is look at my work, my performance and say with absolute, 100% satisfaction, "Good work." I am my worst critic. I create the weight I feel on a daily basis, I create all the expectations that surround me. I am not sure what magic resides at Glenora Farm that allowed me to let go and experience the lightness of being, but I am forever thankful.

Fourth of July in Michigan

2008-07-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

My mom flew me home for the Fourth of July weekend to spend some time with my family. We originally were shooting for me to come to Michigan in June for JT and Nicco's graduation party but it did not work with my work schedule. The Fourth weekend was the next best option, and it worked out great. As we drove up north to Alpena I started think about how a year ago I was up in Alpena telling everyone how I was going out to Idaho for a job interview in a few days. This time I was telling them all about my job. As I said hello to all my cousins and hugged them I was taken aback as I realized they are the same age as a lot of my students. It blew me away to think of my cousins smoking pot, dropping acid, tripping on LSD, selling drugs, selling their bodies, having sex, running from the cops, or threatening their parents. Instead they were up north on a holiday weekend enjoying it with their family, catching minnows, tubing, shooting bee bee guns, reading, learning how to play poker with my brother, and going to church. I am so thankful they have chosen the life that they have. There is no reason to grow up too fast.

My bittersweet moment came to me as I was kayaking with my Aunt Jan and my cousin Jenna. We were coming back to the dock and I looked up to see my grandma, my mom, my brother, and a handful of my cousins sitting around the dock. I have a lot of things in Idaho that remind me of Michigan. Lake Coeur d'Alene gives me what I used to get from The Great Lakes, there is plenty of snow, plenty of sun, plenty of forests and wide open spaces to put my mind at ease. What I cannot get in Idaho, that lives only in Michigan is the overwhelming sense of family and love. The feeling that someone knows me, really knows me from start to finish. That is what I miss.

As I was getting ready to say goodbye to my mom I started to tear up. I explained to her that I was getting ready to go home, but I was already at home. I was feeling lost, confused, and neither here nor there. She told me it was clear to her where my home was as she reminded me that during the short time I was in Michigan I refused to get on the Eastern Time Zone. That was hard for me to swallow. It is hard to let go.

Apparently, it is also hard for my cat MAX to let go, as the old guy is going on 14 years and still going strong.

Rock Lake

2008-06-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

I went on an amazing hike to Rock Lake awhile ago with some friends from work, Scott and Lisa. They are both on the Tuesday through Saturday schedule, and I am on the Sunday through Thursday schedule so we do not get a lot of time to spend together outside of work. My scheduled got all mixed up as a result of a another parent visit on campus, and I jumped at the chance to go hiking with them. Rock Creek was running on overdrive as a result of all of the snow melt with the warm weather. They told me to plan on doing some stream crossings, but I do not think any of us had any idea of what we were in store for. It was easy to step into the streams, but once I tried to take a step in the stream I thought I was going to be swept away. And oh boy was it it COLD. My toes went numb and my legs were shaking after one that was about 20 ft wide. We made it through all the crossings and up to the waterfall with an old mine shaft. From there it was almost all uphill in the sun, but I knew there was a cool treat waiting for me at the end: Rock Lake. Half of it was still covered in snow and ice, but I knew I needed to go in. Who hikes to an alpine lake and does not go swimming in it?? As my body submerged the thought going through my mind was, "This is what some people feel right before they die." Thankfully, the air was hot and the rocks were warm once I got out.

Back to the Woods

2008-06-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

I say "back to the woods" like I was not cross-country skiing through them all winter, but there is still something different about hiking about the mountains slowly versus sliding through them on skis. I had to work Memorial Day, and as a result received the following Tuesday off and decided to two things. First I went to the trail that leads to "the Ghost." I do not know the real name of this trail, but that is what we refer to it as at the school. It is a wide trail off of a forest service road, probably an old forest service road itself, that leads to the base of a wide open field on a mountain side that is shaped like a ghost when looking at it from the school. This is the trail that Erik was hiking when Buck and Max went off on their adventure that Buck never returned from. I knew I needed to hike it and say goodbye to my buddy, my best, and first friend I made when I moved to Idaho. I took one of his favorite toys up there; a little, blue sesame street stuffed animal that Buck had chewed the head and several limbs off of and I had lovingly sewed back together several times in order to give Buck his buddy back. I also brought a small spade, and Max. When I got to the trail head I took down the laminated "Lost" flier with Buck's picture on it. We hiked up for maybe a half hour or so when Max took off into the woods after something. The moment felt right as Max ran off for a few moments and I thought about how it was that easy to lose a friend. That moment was all I was waiting for. I set down my backpack and dug a hole for Buck's beloved blue friend. I placed a few rocks over it, and without any tears (!) said goodbye to my buddy. I knew I was ready to let him go.

Max and I decided not to hike the rest of the ghost, but went to the next trail over, "Star Peak" to start a new adventure. The trail up to Star Peak is not an easy one, it is a very strenuous uphill starting from the road. I was sweating before I even made it to the trail head! I went a little less than two house up, and decided I did not need to beat myself and could turn around. There were some gorgeous views of the Clark Fork River, and a plethora of wild flowers. My favorite was probably the wild growing orchids I found, but was unable to get a good picture. I have not yet taken the time to figure out what type of flower this pink beauty is. I think it looks a lot like a trillium, but it is pink! The other great part of this trail was the waterfall that was in full swing given all the warm weather and snow melt off. I sat by it for quite awhile just amazed at the way it flowed through all the rocks and roots of the trees.

Canoing on Lake Pend Oreille

2008-05-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I went for a little canoe on Lake Pend Oreille. The temperature had been up in the high 80's for a couple of days and I was just itching to be out on the water. It was absolutely wonderful. The water was unbelievably calm, and I felt just right with the sun blazing and a cool water breeze. If I got a little too hot all I had to do was dip my foot in the icy water and I was quickly regulated. We put in at Denton Slough and went around the Hope Peninsula to Sam Owen State Park. Near the shore where we put in there were a handful of immature bald eagles, and then mature bald eagle or two flying around. As we paddled away from the shore toward the edge of the peninsula and the lake unfolded before me I was in awe once again. "I live here..." just kept rolling through my mind like I was trying to convince myself that it was true. I have gone canoing my fair share, but never on a lake while surrounded by mountains.

My Home

2008-05-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

There was one thing I forgot to mention about last weekend. After the parent seminar I felt like I was literally walking on air, and very proud of myself for making a choice in my life that has paid off so well. However, knowing myself as well as I do I knew that by working a seven day week, the last day of which was going to be a 14 hour day I needed to have a little down time all by myself to decompress even if I did not feel like I needed it. All my friends were headed to a birthday party cookout, and as much as I wanted to throw on some jeans and head on over on my little high, I knew I needed to take a break from the world. Who knew taking a break from the world was so easy to do in northern Idaho?

I grabbed Max and Rosco and jumped in my car outfitted with my new pair of rubber rain boots or "Wellies" as my supervisor so lovingly calls them. I drove a mere five miles to the wild game preserve up the road and set out for my walk. As I approached the swampy pond on the western end of the preserve I stopped for a couple of minutes and just looked around me. There were snow capped mountains surrounding me and it was unbelievably quiet except for the sound of natural wildlife. Within minutes I had set aside my busy day and was enjoying the natural beauty of the world, my world. I was so incredibly thankful in that moment for finding this home, and making it my home. I felt lucky and blessed for living the life that I am living right now.

Blessed To Be Witness

2008-05-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

This has been a long week. Typically I work five day weeks, this was a seven day week. I have eleven students that I am guiding through the program, I often call them "my kids." My kids' parents came to school to town on Friday and stayed through Sunday. On Friday, I spent half the day with just the parents preparing them for their weekend with their children, my children. To start off the seminar everyone shared why they were here. When it came to my turn I said that I was here because I love watching people grow and change. That says it most succinctly, but it lacks the eloquence I was hoping for. I love my job, that was reaffirmed over and over again this weekend, and I wish I could just find the words to explain what I love.

There was one moment when a parent was checking in and said how much he appreciated that I knew his son, really knew his son and had him "dialed in." Another parent who I have had a few difficult phone conversations with and was anticipating a less than warm welcome from looked straight at me during his check in and said how great it was to see me after all our phone conversations. He afterwards gave me a huge hug. As I relayed to one parent the games his son plays with me when he wants something, the father turned to look at me and said, "You mean, he does that with you, too?" I just smiled and nodded, knowing full well I get brunt end of all the fun attention/love games these children have devised over the years. "You must be somewhat of a surrogate parent to him then, to all these children, aren't you?" was his response. All these little interactions just melted my heart. I know a large part of it was the feeling that I was mending families, and in the process I was creating a family of my own. And it was ok, and it was safe and I was not ruining anything.

I left the seminar just glowing. I love my job. I love what I am helping to create, communication and love between families. I love that I am learning how to be a parent. In the spotty cell phone reception of western Montana I managed to get a hold of my mom. I told her how in love I was. I could almost see her smiling. "You made a good choice then," she said. I told her I was definitely going to work here for a few more years and keep saving the world, one family at a time. I then started talking about the future and how after that I would go back to school and get a degree in Industrial Organization Psychology and make the big bucks once I was done saving the world. Typical me, I was not staying in the present moment. "You're right you could, but all the money in the world couldn't give you the feeling you have right now" my mom said. Thanks for brining me back to the present mom, and for reminding me that what I am doing right now is good enough.

I spent all day Saturday, and I mean all day (14 hours) at the school with my kids and their parents. I did family sessions throughout the day with each family checking in to see how everyone was doing. One boy threw up after telling his mom all the things he had been doing at home. Another boy was crying at the mere thought of having to say goodbye again. One parent became really honest with his son about how much he felt taken advantage of and then began weeping with his son in his arms at his own perceived failure as a father. After one family session with one family the father, who says very little, literally picked me up off the ground several inches as he hugged me. During last light I watched my "tough" boys cry in their mother's arms, and one mother weep as she thanked the students in the school for the love they have showed her son. I saw fathers cry as they held their sons. It was one of the most beautiful weekends I have had. I feel so blessed to be witness to such love and beauty. I could not thank these families enough for allowing me into the most intimate parts of their lives, and trusting me with their children.

Brrrrrrr!

2008-05-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe spring is not coming... It snowed yesterday in Montana!! April 30th and it snowed! Not a whole lot of snow, but there were definately flakes falling and landing on me. Please cross your fingers that May is bringing no more snow! We need sun in Montana to melt the piles of snow still decorating the campus.

Spring

2008-04-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

We had our first taste of spring this week. It was short, but it still gave me something to look forward to. One afternoon I went down to the Clark Fork River with Max and Evan. Max is one of Erik and Kendra’s dogs and he has been a great dog-friend in Buck’s absence. His excitement could not be contained when Evan would break a branch off of driftwood to throw for him. He would start this anxious barking as he danced around on the sand, desperately needing the stick that was about to be broken off and thrown into the water for his retrieval. The river was still low, and as a result a wide bank was exposed that Max could run along, and made for perfect walks and explorations of the riverside. Unfortunately, the water level is already creeping up and eating away at the exposed sand destroying my precious haven. For me there is nothing more peaceful and rejuvenating than walking next to the water, so close I could enter if I wanted to. I am sure there will be new retreats found, but probably not as close to home as this one.

Clark Fork is mostly clear of snow, but in Montana, where the school is, there is still a good foot on the ground in places. Some days it seems like spring will never come, namely today. Just looking outside at the overcast skies and lighting a fire in the woodstove to keep warm reminds me that it is not yet here.

Rosco & Max

2008-04-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me if I am getting a new dog. After the short stint with Chloe I was all set to get a purebred Wheaten Terrier puppy in the spring, regardless of the ridiculous amount of money it was going to cost me. Why a Wheaten Terrier? They have fluffy coats (which I love), but they do not shed. This was the same case with Buck. I did not realize it until I had him for awhile, but it was definitely a benefit. My Aunt and Uncle have also had a few Wheaten Terriers and I loved the temperament, particularly the never ending energy. This was something that would usually get to me about Buck, but the annoyance usually quickly passed and his spunk would rub off on me. Although I do remember the time I was down with the flu and he wanted to play so bad. I went out and got him a few new toys and it gave me the peace and quiet to take a nap. The other big reasons for going with a puppy was that I wanted to start from the beginning and not worry about whatever baggage the dog might be bringing into the relationship that I was unaware of and really did not know how to deal with.

With the new stress of my new position at work, I decided to go against getting a puppy at this moment. I just started to realize that I did not have the time or energy to spend entertaining and training a puppy as much as I wanted to. My solution became very clear to me soon after moving in with Erik and Kendra. Their two dogs Rosco and Max are always ready for a walk, or to force me to come out of a funk and just love them. Rosco is an 10 month old Doberman-golden retriever mix, or in other words a very large, dumb puppy who will do anything for a little attention, including shove Max out of the way. Max is an eight year old Whippet mix with a very calm temperament. His eyes are soulful and he looks wise beyond his years. The dogs were quick to accept me as part of the household. In the mornings, Rosco will sometimes bark at the bathroom door because he has not yet had a chance to say good morning, or received a scratch behind the ears from me. Max is much more patient and will lie down in my room, right by the door to get his morning butt scratch. In the evenings, Max tries to persuade me into letting him up on the bed. He will come into my room at night, turn his eyes up to me, lay his ears back and give little sad moans as if to say, “Can I please come up there, please?” Occasionally, I agree.

Until I am ready for a new puppy, Rosco and Max are more than willing to fill the hole that Buck left in my life.

My Moose

2008-04-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Meet my moose. It is just a baby, but it is mine. I was busy in the kitchen making a mushroom, artichoke, bacon frittata from Bon Appetit for Erik, Kendra and I when I got the call. Kendra was on the phone with a neighbor who mentioned the moose across the street. I left Kendra in charge of the frittata, grabbed my boots and camera and was out the door. “Watch out for the momma!” Erik called after me. I rushed down the stairs imaging a large moose charging my car. I drove down Main Street to Third Street and low and behold, there was my moose sitting in someone’s backyard munching away on some poor yard that had barely made it through the winter itself. It is important to note that yes, the moose was spotted on Main Street and Third Street. My point being that is was spotted in the center of town, and not on the outskirts of town. Quite the change from metro Detroit…

P.S. The frittata still turned out great.

Moose

2008-03-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well, nature gave me a birthday present. Yesterday, Erik, Kendra, Rosco, & Max and I all went for a little ski after work. I saw my first moose. Do not get too excited. I do not have pictures, and it was all a little anti-climatic because the moose was on one side of Lighting Creek and we were on the other. Nevertheless, I have seen a moose. I am still waiting for an up close and personal sighting, but this should tide me over for now...

Big City Girl

2008-03-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Big city girl, but only for the weekend. I took all the extra time I have been working to do enrollments and took a mini vacation to go visit Maureen in San Diego. Bobby is away at camp Irwin for two weeks so it seems to be perfect timing. Although, I hope Bobby does not develop a complex seeing as I only visit Maureen when he is not around...it just gives us that much more time to "play sisters."

I moved to ClarkFork, Idaho about two weeks ago. The population there is about 530 people, so when I say I am a big city girl for the weekend, I really mean it. ClarkFork is significantly closer to the school, and I was already staying there 2-3 times a week with good friends of mine. We talked about me moving in, I put my place up for sublet, and before I knew it I needed to be moved out by the end of the month. So far things have been great, although I do not have Internet there yet, so it has been hard for me to keep this updated, or even keep in touch. I spent all yesterday morning just writing emails while Maureen was at work. My cell phone also does not have service in ClarkFork, but I usually forward it to the house line or check messages, so no need to worry about a new number.

Just a short check in. I have got to get all dolled up, and put on my "gems" (Maureen's word for jewelry) for our trip to La Jolla for table side guacamole. They bring out all the ingredients and make it right in front of you. This is my favorite thing to do when I visit her, well besides shop and enjoy the sun.

My Own Private Idaho

2008-02-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

Another trip to Moscow, another great weekend. After going to the city courthouse to get my Idaho driver's license Friday morning (yes, I am now officially a resident of Idaho!), I jumped in the car with my cousin Liz who I had picked up from the train station and headed down to Moscow. Liz is Nancy's daughter and she has been in Africa the last several months so she was antsy to get home. I had not seen her since my Grandma Maryanne's funeral almost four years ago, so it was a great chance to catch up with her.

Upon arrival, we did the short hike up to the house and I repeatedly fell off the path into snow up to my knees. As we came up to the house Nancy was outside mauling wood. I could barely believe it. Think you could give that a try, Dad? Hugs were given all around and then a snack of homemade granola and homemade applesauce was eaten as the sun shone in through the windows and the wood stove burned away. This was the prelude to a wonderful weekend. I slipped away upstairs and did something I almost never do; I took a nap. It was so wonderful being covered in a blanket of sunlight. After my nap, I curled up in a little corner of sunlight and got lost in my book as Nancy served me homemade tea from herbs picked from the yard last year. For dinner, Nancy made homemade spaghetti with morel mushrooms and venison with a side of homemade pesto which we lovingly spread over garlic bread that oozed butter and huge chunks of garlic. For dessert we had dried pears and plums. I topped it off with a glass or two of her homemade porter. Are you seeing a trend here?

In the morning, after sleeping in until the sun would no longer let me linger, I curled up with a cup of tea. Nancy made homemade waffles in her cast iron waffle maker and served them with homemade apricot-huckleberry jam, peach preserves, and apple sauce. It was hard to stop eating! My morning consisted of getting lost in my book, once again, and sipping a bottomless cup of tea. As Liz was heading to town, I decided to take a trip down the hill with her to move a little. Liz suggested we take the sleds. The house is on the top of a hill, with a winding road that leads up to it. In the center of that road there is a path in the snow beaten down from walking, and sledding. As hesitant as I was to ride a sled down a path in the center of winding road, I was not going to be shown up by Nancy. It was a ridiculous amount of fun. It was the type of fun where you just start laughing and cannot stop, and you are not even sure what you are laughing at. At one point the road turned left, and I continued straight off the road into the snow, but I could not have cared less.

After heading back up the hill I decided to go on a moose hunt. There is a moose that hangs around Nancy's place, and I had a feeling it wanted to be my moose. I gave Gus a pep talk and told him to guide me to the moose. I strapped on my snowshoes and we were off. Gus knew exactly what he was doing. He led me to moose poop, moose pee, moose hair, moose tracks, and even places where it was evident the moose had bedded down. At one point, I even heard a moose call. After leading me to a woodpecker, I knew the moose was next. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Gus took me up hills, and down hills, up the gully, and down the gully, under trees, and over trees, but there was no moose to be seen.

I spent the rest of my afternoon curled up next to the wood stove with Pooch (the cat) snuggled in my lap, my book in my hands, tea right beside me, and fresh baked bread to nibble on. Nancy was busy all afternoon baking homemade bread, peach-apple pie, and dying her hand spun wool. The sun started to heat up the front room and it felt as if I was sun bathing. I had to slide my sleeves up my arms and roll up my pants legs. I could close my eyes and imagine I was on a beach listening to Bob Dylan play on NPR. Ahhh, my own private Idaho.

After my fill of bread, pie, tea, and more spaghetti I knew it was time to start my trip home. Even though it was just over 24 hours, it felt as if I was there for days. The world melts away up there. I always get asked for pictures, and every time I am there I just cannot bear to do it. When I am up at the Someday House I look around me and there is nothing I could take a picture of that could convey the feeling of being there. That feeling is so amazing, I never want to try and confine it to a picture. It just is. I hope my words give you an idea.

Getting out of my Comfort Zone

2008-02-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

What an awesome day! I went skiing with the kids at Schweitzer today and it was amazing. There was a clear, bluebird sky and it was in the 40's all day. Unbelievable. I spent the good part of the day with one of the girls that is a beginner skier. Chuck and Dennison kept asking if I wanted to go up the mountain, but I was just happy as can be working on my turns and practicing the technique I had learned during the lesson. The kids started to say that I needed to go up. I mentioned that I have a lot of anxiety around skiing, and they let it go. I started to think about that one. I work at an emotional growth boarding school. We push the kids to get out of their comfort zone. If I had been a student and said that they would have confronted me and practically insisted that we go up the mountain. I did a few new runs down on Midway and at the last meet-up decided to go for it. I went up to the top of the mountain with Dennison and some of the kids. It was so great. We skied across the ridge and then down the back of the mountain on some long, mellow runs. I loved it. I was so happy that I got out of my comfort zone, because my non-comfort zone was soooo much fun, and not all that uncomfortable. For me, skiing is not about can and cannot, it is more about what my mind will let me do when I let go of fear. After my ski I went on a walk over to the longbridge and it there was a gorgeous sunset reflecting on the mountains. The moon was rising, and I remembered why I love living here. I was in such a good mood from skiing I practically ran to the water today. I was so giddy to get there. It reminded me of Buck. He was definitely walking with me today because he was usually the one to run to the water, I guess I will have to take over for now.

Dogs & Moose

2008-02-18T18:06:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday there was a close call. Brian and I were driving down the River Road very slow due to the slushy conditions. (Can you believe I was driving slow??) Ahead I spotted two large, yellow eyes moving in the road. "I think this is it!" I yelled to Brian. Brian, unaware of my non-moose sighting was a little confused as to what I was referring to. As we neared closer and I began to see the animal's large brown body I could feel my heart quicken. I was going to see my first moose. I was sorely disappointed when I realized this moose had no antlers and was a simple brown cow wandering aimlessly down the road. *sigh* Perhaps another day. I have put all my friends on moose alert. They are aware that if they see a moose they are to call me immediately and I will come to view the moose.

About four weeks ago I got a dog. About three weeks ago I returned said dog. Apparently, I was not yet ready to open my heart to a new dog. Or, the case may have been that I was not willing to open my heart to anyone. It was very bad timing and I picked the dog up two days after a very trying, and emotionally exhausting workshop at work. I do not think I would have bonded with any dog considering the state that I was in. She was a two year old Airedale Terrier - Golden Retriever mix. She also had a bit of baggage. She was extremely aggressive to Erik and Kendra's dogs, and considering the amount of time I spend at their place, I knew she had to go. This was in addition to jumping up on my desk and dining room table while I was gone at work and decapitating two of my favorite plants. Buck chewed on some things, but he did not kill anything! I also felt I was able to remedy Buck's chewing by showering him with bones and other chew able toys. How do you keep a dog from misbehaving when you are not home when she is a perfect angel when you are around? I think there was major separation anxiety. It all worked out for the best and she has been adopted into a new home. "Erin gets a new puppy 2008" will be postponed until spring...or summer considering the ridiculously wet spring we are going to have when the icebergs of Idaho melt.

another ski trip with the kids tomorrow....

State of Emergency

2008-02-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

In case you have not heard, all the counties of northern Idaho (including mine, Bonner county) and eastern Washington have been declared to be in a state of emergency due to excessive snowfall. I think it is awesome. Well, the snow that is, not that we are in a state of emergency. I can only imagine what my life would be like if I were 50 years older, or lived up a mountain road that has not been plowed in days. For me, driving to work makes me kind of giddy. All I see is white and the snow is piled so high on either side of the road that it feels like I am driving through some sort of ice luge. It feels as if I am entering some crazy netherworld of snow. And then I get to campus. It is unbelievable. Snow burms along the paths are up to 15 feet high! In class on Thursday, I blazed through my lesson on active listening and then told the kids to suit up because we were going out to play. I cannot even begin to explain what it was like playing in snow like this. Just the mere act of jumping off the path into the snow was exhilarating. We raced up the snow burms, and then slid down them. We had a snowball fight, and did somersaults off railings into the snow. The only thing that was a little scary was when I would get to a point where it would be really hard to move because a limb or two was stuck so deep in the snow. It really made me think about what it would be like to get caught in an avalanche. After a long week, playing in the snow with my three kids was a great way to end it. We all needed it.

Pictures to follow soon...

2008

2008-01-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

2008 is off to a great start. I celebrated in the new year with good friends and great conversation about love, life, family, and relationships. New Year's Day I went cross country skiing up Lighting Creek with Natty, Kendra and the dogs. Despite my persistent cough, it was awesome to breathe in fresh mountain air. I still cannot believe I live in such beauty, it still overwhelms me - in a good way. When I was in San Diego I found myself overwhelmed by cars, people, and buildings. I cannot believe how quickly I learned to love the wide open spaces of northern Idaho. I will not lie though, I did see it coming. I am only surprised by the speed in which I have assimilated.

Apparently, I am not the only one who is impressed by the speed in which I can assimilate to a new culture. I received a promotion at work! Before, I was assisting someone in supervising a group of kids, and starting Tuesday I will have the first of my own group of kids to guide through the program. Needless to say, I have a feeling I will be busy for the next few weeks. There is a lot to learn and do as these new kids arrive. So, I apologize now for a lack in posting, but know it is because I am probably choosing to ski off some energy in the mountainous woods rather than sit in front of my computer.

One more thing, I have also started looking at new dogs. That was hard to type. I feel like I am giving up on Buck by looking at welcoming a new dog into my life, but I know it is time. A coworker was looking at pictures of Buck and I together and made a comment that hit home for me. He said he does not see me smile like I smile in the pictures with Buck. Buck brought light to my life, and I can only hope I brought the same to his life. It is time to smile again with the intensity that I know I can.

Happy Holidays...from Montana, Idaho, Washington, Utah, & California

2007-12-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Christmas Day. I am at the Ramada Inn outside the Spokane Airport where they graciously let me use their internet even though I am not a guest. I am supposed to be on a plane to Los Angeles right now. That plane was canceled due to technical difficulty with the wing de-icer. From Los Angeles I was going to fly into San Diego to spend time with Maureen, Bobby, my mom, and Bill. Now, I will be flying to Salt Lake City, Utah and from there I will fly into San Diego. Yesterday, I was in Montana at the school with all the kids. Within 24 hours I will have visited five states on my holiday tour. That was not really my intention, but it sounds kind of cool.

Surprisingly, I have kept my cool. I was even dancing a little right after I heard because a song I liked was playing - Buck would have been proud! I remember the first time I had a flight get canceled on me I completely broke down sobbing and could not seem to get it together to even talk to the agent to get a new flight. I was not even going to miss any major event, I just could not handle my world changing on me. Did I mention I was in college when this happened? I was a very high strung girl. Maybe I am keeping my cool because I have lost my voice, so I could not pitch a fit if I wanted to (I got a slight cold and then laryngitis kicked in). Maybe it is because I have been through the experience of having a flight be canceled on Christmas day with debilitating back pain radiating down my leg causing me to limp through the airport drugged up on pain meds (on this occasion I was in Minneapolis and they wanted me to fly to Boston to get a connecting flight to Detroit after already flying in from Hawaii). There have been several other times where a flight was canceled or delayed and I let it ruin my mood, my day, probably even my whole trip. I could pass my relaxed attitude off on experience, or my physical well being right now, but I am not going to.

I find that I have become a more relaxed person. In other words, I think I am growing. I will not attribute it to "growing up," because I saw many "grown-ups" that lost their cool when the flight was canceled. I am simply growing, the direction is irrelevant. I have learned to take things as they come. I can choose how to respond to events in my life. Amor fati, choose your fate, love your fate. Events happen in my life that are out of my control, but that does not mean that my fate is out of my control. I can decide how I will respond and thus determine my fate, and thus love my fate. It is a little scary sometimes because all the responsibility is on me then, I cannot push it off onto fate, or God, or the powers that be. My life, my fate is my own. And right now, I love it. I may not be on my plane, I may not have a voice, I may not be with my family, but I am here. I am alive, I have an amazing job that was hard to leave for a weeks vacation because I will miss it, I live in an awe inspiring area full of beauty, and I am surrounding by love every day. I chose my fate, and I love my fate.

Merry Christmas and thanks for reading - it feels so good to have a voice even if only through the written word at the moment.

Winter is here!

2007-12-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

Wahhoooo! I have been up on the mountain the past two days and it has felt so good! Not to mention all the sledding, sorrel soccer, and snow sculptures at school. I do not know the last time I have allowed myself to enjoy winter this much and really go out and play in the snow. Yesterday, was the ski-trip with the kids from school. It was a great day. There was plenty of new snow and the temperature seemed just about right. I really liked spending the time to help some of the kids get the hang of things. I also realized my skinny skis are a little out of date and do not allow me to "float" on the fresh powder. In some ways, I could not have cared less, I just had so much fun hanging out with the kids.

Today I went up for a little cross country skiing and I am feeling it in my muscles already. I brought the right poles and found it to be significantly easier. I owned the downhills, well until the tracks suddenly stopped and I went skidding across the trail. There were bluebird skies and it was incredibly gorgeous. The thought that kept going through my mind was, "I live here..." and having a hard time really comprehending that. I feel unbelievably lucky and more alive than I have in years. Who knew all this could come to pass from a little debilitating back pain and dropping out of my doctorate program??

Skiing

2007-12-14T21:35:00.000-08:00

I am scheduled to go on a ski trip with some of the students from school on Thursday. I thought it might be a good idea to warm up my ski legs before then, seeing as it has been six years since I have been on skis. Feeling pretty anxious and very hesitant (to the point of driving all the way around the roundabout at the top of the mountain and beginning to head back down), I called my dad for a pep talk. I remember him being my faithful ski instructor as a kid, I know he would have some words of wisdom. He first asked if anyone was going with me. When I told him no, because I did not want to be embarrassed at my lack of skill. He made a comment about how if I did bring a friend it would be a sure way to lose them. He began to tell me of the last time he took me skiing, several years ago. Apparently, I fell down and he went over to help me up. The conversation (if you can call it that) went something like this:

D: Do you need some help, Sweetheart?

Erin: I hate this! And I hate you!

Dad: What's wrong, are you ok? (moves closer)

Erin: Get away from me!!

Dad: Ok, do you want me to just ski down the hill and leave you here?

Erin: Noooo! Don't you leave me here!

Dad: Ok, what can I do to help?

Erin: Shut up! Don't talk to me!

Dad: Ok, then I'm going to go.

Erin: Don't leave me here!!!

Dad: What do you want me to do then?

Erin: I told you to shut up!!!

After my conversation with him I started to make more sense of my skiing anxiety, I do not think it is a sport that came very naturally to me. However, today went fairly well. I hopped on the bunny hill and was amazed at my carving skills. Not one snow plow. The highlight of my bunny hill experience was riding the chairlift with a four-year old boy who had "Please hold onto me on the chairlift. I am only 4. I fell off the chairlift before." taped onto his helmet. His name was Jackson and he was so cute. As I went down the hill practicing my turns I was slightly embarrassed to realize the little guy had beat me down the hill, but that is only because I was working on my technique, right?

I started to get pretty confident in myself and headed up the mountain for a blue run. As I started getting higher in elevation the visibility began to lessen until I could only see several yards in front of me. The dread returned. As I got off the lift and stared down a hill I could not see what I was getting myself into, except for the fact that it dropped steeply in elevation, I asked myself what in the world I was thinking! To my surprise, I made it down the hill without falling and without any major panic attacks. Somehow, someway, skiing is ingrained in my body. My legs always seem to know what to do as my body weight shifts from side to side. I think I had a good teacher growing up. You could have left me on that hill years ago, but you didn't. Thanks, Dad.

Getting Back on the Horse

2007-12-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

I made a commitment to get out of my "Buck funk" last weekend. It worked. I had spent quite a few weekends moping around my apartment spending a lot of time on the couch. I knew it needed to end. I knew I needed to bring some new energy into my life. My weekend started out great by going to see "Into the Wild" with my friend Laurah. It was a great film based off of the book by John Krakauer and I highly recommend it. Afterwards, I ran into some friends at Eichardts, and even made a few new ones.

On Friday, I ventured out cross-country skiing at Schweitzer's and was brutally reminded that there are mountains in Idaho. Cross-country skiing takes on a whole new meaning when one moves from Michigan to Idaho. There are hills on the trail, large ones. Needless to say, I came home with a large, swollen lump on my butt from repeatedly choosing to "sit down" instead of losing complete control. The second time I was sitting on the very hard, icy snow in my thin polypro, I was on the verge of getting mad at the world for my disheartening cross-country skiing experience. I thought of my puppy. He would have given me the "why are you sitting on the ground, we have a lot of exploring to do" head tilt. I would have laughed. So, I smiled, got up off my rump and continued on down the trail. When I elected to sit down once more, I even laughed out loud at the big city girl sitting in the snow in the middle of north Idaho. I also struggled significantly on the uphills, which I attributed to my lack of experience....I later figured out it was because I was using my alpine ski poles. Whoops!

On Friday night, I had dinner with friends and then we all went to hear a coworker belt out a little bluegrass at a local open mic night. On Saturday, I got up early and went and swam laps at the fitness center. It felt sooooo good to get back in the water. Erik and Kendra picked me up in the afternoon and we spent the day in Couer d' Alene hitting all the hot spots such as Costco, Michaels, and Lowes. Wherever I go, I somehow always find a married couple to adopt me as their single friend to tag along on roadtrips... I picked up a little tree at Lowes and came home and decorated it. Perhaps, in the spring it will find a home in my yard. On Sunday morning, I went out walking to the longbridge was once again awed that I live in such beautiful place. It never ceases to amaze me that this is my home! With music playing in my ears, I started dancing on the sand and knew my heart was alive.

Water Smooths Rough Edges

2007-11-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

My aunt who lives in Moscow, Idaho came to visit over Thanksgiving. She also brought her dog, Gus, a husky-yellow lab mix who fills out with this incredibly, gushy, soft, thick coat come winter. His eyes are soulful and soft. He moves slow and sometimes it feels like he can read what I am feeling. I often got the impression he was looking at me and his eyes just said, "You're missing something, aren't you?" Gus stayed home on Thanksgiving and Nancy came over to the school, saw the campus, and ate dinner with all the kids. Afterwards, on our way home we stopped in Clarkfork to visit my friends Erik and Kendra and made room for a second round of pie. I continued my favorite Thanksgiving tradition and we all played Cranium (Speaking of, I hope the Pogacich family Thanksgiving did not let that slide this year with my absence. I would be very disappointed!)

The next day we had a movie marathon. It felt great to slow down, but it was hard at times. I kept looking for, aching, and missing Buck. He would have loved the walk we went on. It was his favorite place to go. I bet he even would have gone swimming in the ridiculously cold water. I do not know how many times I imagined him running around the corner, his shaggy hair flying flat around his face and that sappy grin he always seemed to have. As I have mentioned previously the water level has dropped in the lake, and it was mesmerizing for me to see a different landscape of rocks and driftwood laid out before me. On the way back, I started walking along the water's edge, punching through the thin puddles of ice in the sand with the tip of my red boots. I began to notice all the driftwood collected on the sand. I could not stop looking at it. There were pieces of all shapes and sizes; long sticks, little knobby knots of wood, larger, thicker logs, teeny little pieces - but all of it was incredibly smooth. Something about it just moved me. It seemed too simple; water smooths rough edges.

I thought of Buck, I thought of myself, I thought of the water, and I thought of my dad. I have known for a couple of years now that being on, or just being near water rejuvenates me. I know I got that from my dad. He speaks of moments where he needs "time on the water" to center himself when he finds himself getting short with people, or just feeling in a funk. For me, water is soothing, and it also smooths out my rough edges. I relax, I breathe and I feel myself take on the quality of the water. Waves give me energy and a light heart, whereas flat, calm water turns me inward and contemplative. I have this sense that Buck needed water, too. As a stray, and with his flamboyant personality there were definitely some rough edges that needed smoothing with him. He loved his walks around town, but when we would drive towards the lake he would whine from anticipation. Water meant something to him. On our first playdate we went to a beach, and as I walked into the water to show him it was safe, he tucked himself right behind me and would only go as far as I would go. Once I swam, and let my feet leave the bottom, he swam, and then there was no looking back.

As I am writing, I am aware that I am not sure if I have a point to this post. I keep going back to all that smooth, but strong driftwood. It seems to be so much more than just sticks and hunks of wood. I feel close to Buck when I think of it. In this strange way he is one of those pieces, and I know I am, too. As I led him into the water, without hesitation on our first day together, to my place of peace and love, I let him into my world. I let him into my heart. That is something I have not done in years. Maybe Buck and I both needed to soften up a little, to feel a little love, but maybe it is not one another we were meant to love. Maybe we were not meant to drift to the same shore together.

Snow!

2007-11-27T09:16:00.000-08:00

I love it when it snows for the first time, especially when it snows so much it leaves everything covered in white. I cannot help but see it as a new beginning, everything is white and innocent. It started snowing last night and had not stopped when I went to bed. There is also something ridiculously exciting about seeing the first snow fall in a new place. It is as if Sandpoint has transformed itself right before my eyes, changed its clothes, or dressed up in a costume - a beautiful costume. I had dinner and drink plans with my neighbor and I ran almost the whole way to his house. I was just so excited about the snow. When we walked out of the pub it seemed only natural to start a snowball fight. When it comes to throwing anything my aim is about as good as my ability to match a tone when singing. It was a painful loss, but I played dirty and tied it up by saving a little snow in my hand and whitewashing his face once we got back in the car. It was a great way to get me laughing and smiling. I know I needed it. I cried almost the whole way home from work as I realized that the grown-up, rational part of me has dealt with Buck's absence admirably and with grace, but the little girl part of me did not understand any of this and just wanted her puppy home. As much as I learn about myself, my emotions, and how to express them "appropriately," I think there still comes a time when I just need to cry and let all the junk out. I went for a walk this morning, or I attempted to walk this morning but the ground was so slippery I decided to just go play in the snow. When I started slipping and sliding all over the sidewalk I started to laugh out loud at myself. I immediately thought of Buck. It would have been great to have him with me today sliding all over the sidewalk as well. A perma-grin stuck to my face as I walked home knowing that Buck was going to be with me the rest of my life regardless if he came home or not - he taught me to laugh at myself and all the little things in life that used to frustrate me. When I got back to my little house I went in the backyard and made my first Idaho snow angel. Snow!

Another Lesson

2007-11-19T17:38:00.001-08:00

On my drive home tonight I passed a truck on the side of the road that had blinking lights on it and there were men doing something in the ditch. My first thought, as morbid as it is, was that they were scooping Buck up off the side of the road. Let me explain this by saying that one of the tips I read in "How to Find Your Lost Dog" was to call the area's department of transportation daily to see if the dog had been killed on the side of the road. I also search the side of the roads as I am driving. I do not want to believe he is on the side of the road, but if he is I want to know. He could also be there barely breathing waiting for me to scoop him and get him to a veterinarian. This is only one of the many scenarios that has played through my mind the last few days. I have gone through them all: mountain lions, wolves, a nice family taking him in as their own, him joining up with a coyote in eternal neutered bliss, losing his collar and ending up in a shelter that does not scan for microchips. I imagine him shivering, lost, and scared running across highways. I think about where he sleeps, or if he even sleeps. I think about if he is eating and thank myself and Erik and Kendra for all those times we fed him more than the recommended two cups a day. I imagine his cuddly coat keeping him warm as he curls up in some grass or maybe an abandoned barn. I think of how much build-up there is in ears now that I have not cleaned them for days. I imagine rolling him over onto his back and rubbing his tummy as I cradle him between my legs; his whole body goes limp as he completely relaxes and slows down from the excitement of me seeing me. I wonder if he is aching for me as I ache for him.

Now that you know what runs my thoughts as I drive and interrupts my attempts to distract myself all day long, I'll share the most recent lesson I have learned from this experience. I called my mom as soon as it hit me. You may have guessed by now. I called her and began to apologize for all the times I was out past my curfew, or drove across the state when I was only 16 and forgot to call her when I had arrived. I apologized for all the times I made fun of her for worrying. I apologized for all the times I said I would call when I got there, and never did. I told her I got it. I do. I now know what it is like to hate the morbid thoughts that enter my head. I know what it is like to jump at every phone call that comes from a number I do not recognize. I feel my heart quicken when I check my messages and hear I have a new voicemail. I have cursed him and loved him more than ever in the same moment.

I think almost every girl talks about how she will never be like her mother when she grows up one day. Whether I was happy about it or not, I think in some ways I have always known I will grow up to be like my mother. I am ok with that. I am proud to grow up and be like her someday. I am proud that I have learned to love with all my heart, and know that with that sometimes comes worrying with all my heart. I am proud to be my mother's daughter.

My Puppy

2007-11-16T16:55:00.000-08:00

Buck is missing. He went hiking in the mountains in Montana with one of my coworkers and his dogs. His dog and Buck ran off after something/one another. An hour later his dog came back and Buck never did. He searched for hours and called and called. He picked me up from work and we searched for another 2 hours. This was Wednesday night. He had Thursday morning off work and went out again. No luck. I went out there today with a coworker and hiked the whole trail calling for my boy. No luck. I told as many people as possible about him and I am getting some fliers made up as we speak to post in the area. He also has a microchip in the event that he loses his collar he can be scanned to retrieve my phone number. I am dealing with this better than I was earlier. I feel better having done so much for him today and my Ginas have been incredibly supportive.

Yesterday I just broke down as I was leaving work because I did not want to go home to an empty house. I found so much support from my colleagues and the kids at the school. I wanted to hold this all in, but everyone at work knew and the kids were hugging me all day. I can see the mountains he is lost in from work and I just kept imaging him up there. I just kept alternating between distracting myself to a point of "being fine" and then crying when the truth snuck up. I know I have only had him for a bit, but he has just been my constant companion here. He is there when I come out of the shower, he comes into the bathroom when I pee and lies down on the bathmat, he wakes me up in the morning if I do not get out of bed when my alarm goes off. He tries to cuddle with me when we're in the car. If I sit on the floor and watch tv he lays his head on me. I can see so many lessons in this, and I am grateful for learning them, but I want him back. I know I have kept myself away from intimate relationships because I do not want to feel the pain if the relationship did not work out, but as I sit here and ask myself if this pain right now is worth the joy Buck brought my life, I know it is. I know in some ways these things are not comparable, but what I'm speaking about is loss. Loving like you have never been hurt. I know losing him has made me more vulnerable at work. If this had not happened at work I know I would have tried to go through my day like nothing was wrong and told people I was tired if they asked what was wrong. Having so many kids come up and hug me, just silently hug me was so good for me. I never want people to see me sad, to see me vulnerable, but all those hugs today felt so good. Repeatedly going to that space of pain in front of people was worth it for all the support it brought. So now I am asking for your support. Even if you just say a prayer, or do whatever you do, put positive thoughts in the universe. He craves love so much I still believe the little rascal might come home.

My Drive

2007-11-07T20:47:00.001-08:00

At night my drive from Heron, Montana to Sandpoint, Idaho is like driving through a river gorge. Shadows loom around me. The mountainside rises along the side of the road and as the moonlight illuminates the rock-face I swear for a moment I am once again rafting on the Salmon River through Idaho watching the world carve out before me. There was a time the moonlight was so bright as it flickered through the trees alongside the road, and my eyes were so tired from a long day of my own emotional growth with the kids I was desperately trying to find the disco ball that could create so much light in complete darkness. There are times as I've made the drive late at night that I feel like I am driving through black jello. The blackness is unlike any other I have experienced before. It is only I that create light. When I step on the brakes, my rear window brake light almost startles me as it pierces the darkness. The darkness is a blanket that cloaks my car, and carries me home safely.

On the morning drives into Heron I am amazed by the undeniable beauty that spreads before me. The mountains take on this unbelievable purple hue as the sun rises, softened with translucent clouds and mist that sit just above the ground. The frost on the wheat fields sparkles like diamond encrusted blades of grass. The peaks of the mountains are hidden by the low lying clouds and fog and I try to convince myself that maybe, just maybe the mountains never end, they just go on forever beyond those clouds. There is also a quiet that is filled with peace and the slow, warm movements of morning and awakening.

Driving home in the early evening, I watch amazing sunsets on the lake across the mountains. Oranges, purples, blues - where do I begin? The numerous pine trees all turn black as they become silhouetted against the luminescent sky. The mountain peaks begin to reflect in the lake at just the right time and it is as if this hidden door to a world of amazing natural beauty is opened up. And oh, if there was a way to walk across that reflection into the mountains, into the beauty then that world would be one of eternal sunsets.

Fall in Idaho

2007-10-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

Woah, where have I been for 20 days??? I just realized my last post was on the 5th of October, and now October is almost past! So what have I been doing?? Well, I got sick for about a week and thoroughly enjoyed taking the time to slow down and get healthy. I always love a great excuse to sit around, drink buckets of tea, eat soup, and watch movies. I've also been spending more time with co-workers outside of work, which is great, but our conversations always end up back about work and the kids! We are thinking about putting a time limit on work talk...

Buck is still my best bud. My favorite place to take him is Pend Oreille Bay. The trail starts near the train station. It's a large gravel path that runs north along the lake with a couple yards of trees and foliage between the trail and water that acts as a great wind barrier, but is thin enough for Buck to run through to repeatedly "check on the water." It is a great place for me to take him and let him off the leash. The other day I decided to take him there in the morning before work on one of my late start days. Never again. As I sat on the dock with my feet dangling over the water after we had walked 80% of the trail and we were about 5 minutes from the car he decided to go swimming, completely submerged swimming. I am also convinced he attempted to push me in as he came running out the water, ran to the dock, shook himself all over me, and then leaned up against my back with all his weight. If it was not for the ladder I grabbed onto I would have ended up in the water. I took my wet dog in my car, where he proceeded to jump into the front seat and then home where I had no time to take care of him as I had to get ready for work. I think it was our first fight.

Today it was one of those gorgeous fall days with a brilliant blue sky, crisp air, and a golden landscape. Buck and went hiking on the Mickinnick Trail that offers great views of Sandpoint, Lake Pend Oreille, the Pend Oreille River and the Cabinet Mountains (which the school is nestled in!). Buck is so cute. He has learned to recognize the signs that mean we are driving somewhere to go hiking or walking and he gets so excited he starts whining and whimpering in the back of the car. As we reached the end of the trail there were little bits of frozen ground and I can just imagine in a couple of weeks if I were to do this hike again there would be snow the last mile or so.

For those of you who knows that my sister lives north of San Diego, she was evacuated for a few days because of the fires, but she and Bobby are home safe now, thank goodness. I am off to attempt to make pear butter with pears I got from a neighbor. I will add new pictures to the album later tonight or tomorrow so check 'em out!

Empathy

2007-10-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

Each evening the students have a "last light." Most simply put, it is a time when the school comes together to wind down for the evening. All the tables are moved out of the living room and we sit on couches or against one another with pillows everywhere and in between everyone. Sometimes it is lead by staff, or a group of students, and sometimes just one student. There might be music played, or a book read, perhaps someone shares from their life story, or we reflect on past events.

There was a recent last light that really moved me. A student shared about a close friend who was killed in gang violence a year ago. Initially, the feelings came for me when many of the students began to share about the loss of friends from similar situations. It reminded me that there are many levels to what brings these kids here. In memory, Johnny Cash's cover of the song 'Hurt' was played (I did some research and found it was originally written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.). The lyrics, the somber nature of Cash's voice, and sitting close with those hurting children I began to feel a connection with the ambiguous pain that has lead so many not only to drugs, but all the forms of self-destruction that we as a people engage in. This link will take you to a video of the song, and I encourage you to hear the song. The lyrics alone, do not do it justice. Cash's enunciation of the words, and the intonation of his voice elicit his raw self-hatred. I will warn you, it is not a pick-me-up, but for me it was an awakening, and understanding of a world I do not live in.

Hearing this song marked a clear moment of transition from sympathy to empathy in my job. In the last month I have found ways to relate to the students, I feel I have heard their pain, understood it, related it in my mind to parallel life experiences, but not been able to step into it, unable to feel it. That night I did. We all have forms of dysfunction in how we deal with life, no one is perfect. Mine is, and was, throughout my adolescence much different than many of the students I work with. Because of this, in some ways it has been hard to connect. It is in these moments, through the open sharing, songs, and stories that I begin to understand.

Snow in Sandpoint??!

2007-10-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just checked the weather for the week and snow is predicted to mix in with the rain showers on Friday! I was ok with seeing it on the mountains, but wow, snow in October?? Get ready...

Snow on the Mountains

2007-10-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

When I was driving home yesterday I saw snow on the mountains. It was so amazing to see. I felt so small, and yet so safe down in the foothills. I really felt connected to the land watching it so evidently change before me.

I have been busy. Two weeks ago I spent a weekend in Moscow with my aunt, Nancy. That is where this picture is from. Wheat fields border her land. The way they spread out for what seems like eternity is very peaceful. Spending time with her is rejuvenating. Buck endlessly played and ran with her new puppy Harry, and Gus the older dog barked and tried his best to join in on the puppy play. Buck slept outside, but was quick to find the door closest to where I was sleeping and made me a happy mom as he slept right next to it. Driving home I saw the most amazing sunset over the hills of the Palouse. It started off mild with pastel purples and pinks and then turned into deep oranges and red against the blackening night sky. Search Google images with 'Palouse' and you will get the idea.

I think most of all, Buck as been keeping me busy. I think everyone should get a dog before they even think about becoming a parent. Yesterday, during our morning walk off campus before breakfast with the students (we had both spent the night in the staff lodging) Buck decided deer were exciting enough not just to look at, but that they needed to be chased as well. He has always stayed by my side walking (even without a leash), so it took me by surprise when he took off, with only a moments hesitation and glance when I called him back to me. I continued on the walk, hoping he would join. He never did. I wanted to be angry, and there was a part of me that wanted to be sad, but I knew there was no point. Work was starting, and if he could chase deer, he could find his way back. I sat down for breakfast, and just as I got my food I heard over the radio that he was running around campus. I went outside, called him a few times, and he came running from the soccer fields. He was one mangy looking dog. Wet, muddy, and full of burrs. I praised him for coming, and with no other timely option, put him in the car.

At the end of the day I was welcomed by the smell of wet dog as I entered my car and was delighted to see that he had shaken his coat dry, spraying little drops of mud all over the place. I started driving home and did not remove my bag from the front seat (which is the cue that he can come up there). He was insistent and crawled up there, and laid himself down on top of my bag. Once again, I wanted to be angry and shove him into the backseat on his blanket, but as I looked at him with burrs all over, his fur all stringy, and those puppy eyes I could only laugh. I am laughing just writing this. I took him home, bathed him (another adventure), and cleaned my car. While I was cleaning the car he was trying to rip burrs out of his leg hair. He either got burrs or a hairball, or both stuck in his throat and proceeded to walk around the house making hacking noises. He then made this horribly loud noise (so loud the person on the phone with me heard it!) and threw up his dinner. He did this about three more times before we retired for the evening.

Believe it or not, I still love my dog.

Exploring Montana

2007-09-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

One of my fellow co-workers asked if I would like to take a day trip to Kootenai Falls and a 500 year old grove of trees. Naturally, I jumped at the chance as I have been a little hesitant to go exploring far from Sandpoint on my own. We met at school and then Buck, Tom, and I headed out into Montana. After driving through endless miles of breathtaking mountainous landscape we arrived at the protected grove of trees. As we hiked around, under, and over the trees we started sharing bits and pieces of our life stories and the journey that lead us to Monarch. It did not take Tom and I long to realize we had quite a bit in common. We were both raised Roman Catholic with members of our families spending some time in the seminary and convent. We both had mood disorders marbling through our family history. We both had siblings with bipolar disorder and experience some sort of mood fluctuation ourselves. We started sharing books that made an impact in our life and talked about our experiences in relationships and our challenges with trust. We had stopped paying attention to where we were hiking and were pretty deep in the forest when Buck stopped leading us and motionlessly stared in front of us with his head cocked. He would go no further. Not ready for my first Montana wildlife encounter (i.e. bears), we heeded Buck's warning and turned back.

We grabbed a quick bite to eat in Troy, Montana and then headed to Kootenai Falls. The hike to falls was short, but included a bridge that passed over the railroad tracks and sure enough we experienced a train rushing past as we were a mere couple yards above it. Buck was not amused and had a lot of trouble with the open steps where he could see the ground below him. The water at the falls and through the river was this unbelievable aqua green and the rust colored rocks beneath the water made the most amazing contrast. It reminded me of the Caribbean Sea flowing through the Grand Canyon. The pictures do not do it justice. We sat for awhile at the falls and enjoyed the warm of the Indian Summer sun.

We continued to hike towards the Swinging Bridge, a suspension bridge that crosses the Kootenai River just below the falls. We encountered more open steps. Buck really struggled. At one point he crawled up about two steps and then stuck his head under one of the steps and would not budge. I felt horrible, but at the same time could not help laughing as he looked like a turtle. Tom decided to stay with him and I crossed the bridge. About halfway through I started to feel the sway and the old familiar fear of falling kicked in. All I had to do was look around me to realize how many beautiful things there were to distract me from a little swinging. I laughed to myself as I felt a little like Indiana Jones. Once I reached the other side and turned around I was surprised to see Buck at the top of the steps. It seems he just needed to make the climb on his own time, and terms (maybe he learned that one from his mom). I called his name as I got closer and he eventually crossed the whole bridge with me. I was so proud of my little pup for facing his fears. I also realized as I supported him through his fears, my own melted away. Something about being a parent I'm sure...

It was a great day for all of us. Fears were faced, doors were opened, and stories shared.

Running Towards

2007-09-15T22:36:00.001-07:00

I am not exactly sure how many times I have been asked some variation of the question, "Wow, Michigan, so what were you running away from to come all the way to Idaho?" It is not only since I've been here that people have asked that, but also as I was preparing to leave Michigan those that did not know me well would ask that same question. I always found it troubling. I never felt like I was running. As I told a fellow therapist about this he was quick to suggest projection. It made sense seeing as there may be many people here that did run away to Idaho to escape something or someone. I however, did not ever feel like I was running. In fact, by strict orders from my physical therapist I have not ran, or jogged in long time, and it will not be happening anytime soon because it's pretty evident that it brings on radiating leg pain (thanks Erick!).

What came to me today was the thought that my only choice in this question is "running away." What about walking away? Or even better, what about running (or a brisk walk in my case...) towards. I decided to make them options and re-evaluate. I did not take me long to think of all the things I walked away from. I walked away from a lot of family and very close friends that live in Michigan and most likely will for a long time. I walked away from my back pain and everything that I had learned to associate it with. I walked away from my doctorate program. I walked away from a very promising position as a private practice clinician in a great clinic. I also walked away from a job in which I would spend most of my time sitting. In essence, I feel I walked away from what was leading to a very "comfortable" life. The odd thing was that the comfort scared me. I realized I was not ready to get comfortable. I wanted to try something new and I wanted to be more active in my job; I needed to be more active in my job.

What then did I run towards? I ran towards a place that when I first set eyes on it I was moved by its majestic beauty. I ran towards a job where my primary responsibility is to create a safe and loving space for 70 kids to grow and learn to feel their emotions. I ran towards a job where I have lost track of the number times my supervisor has said, "I want you to know how happy I am that you are here and a part of our staff. I don't think I can say that enough." I ran out on a shaky limb knowing that that is where the fruit is. I ran towards an aunt I always wished I knew better as I was amazed at our similarities. I ran towards my puppy, Buck. I ran towards the great outdoors. I ran towards the challenge of opening up and being vulnerable in order to make new friends. I ran towards the hope of inner peace.

At lunch on Wednesdays we have 20 minutes of silence to slow down, and reflect on what we are thankful for. All other meals we have about 30 seconds of silence. As the silence hits me and I ask myself what I am thankful for, without fail my inner voice says, "I am thankful to be here." As I thought about that on my scenic drive home one day, tears came to my eyes. I realized the "here" I was speaking of was not just work, or Montana, or even Idaho. I was speaking of being present in the "here and now" and not wishing I were someplace else. I was speaking of being thankful to be here, amongst the living in mind and body. In the last year I spent many days lost in the land of pain and pain medication wishing to be somewhere, and someone else. I am incredibly thankful to be here, now.

In short, I believe I ran towards being. I know this is a lot heavier than my previous posts, but I was feeling the need to clarify, for myself, and I guess whoever is reading.

"Forward, forward, let us not disappoint the moon before us."

Living the Dream

2007-09-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I started work. Maybe you could tell by the fact that I have not posted in awhile. Work is...great. My sister once told me a story of a time when she was struggling with life and a doctor asked her what she wanted, or what what would make her happy, something like that. She told him that she wanted to want to get out of bed in the morning, she wanted to be happy to start her day and wake-up. As her story goes, this doctor kind of laughed, became patronizing and said something along the lines of, "Oh, Maureen, no one wants to get out of bed in the morning, we just do." My sister disagreed, and she persevered. I feel as if I have found a space in my life where I want to get out of bed in the morning. I enjoy the drive in as my time to relax, and straighten out my heart and mind before entering the world of 70 struggling, and hurting young adults. My drive into work is long, but it is so beautiful. I have turned corners and seen the lake stretched before me, or watched the mountains grow alongside me with the rising sun coloring the sky and felt tears well up in my eyes. Is this really my home? Is this really happening or am I just dreaming?

So what do I do at work? Well, first of all I am working at a therapeutic/wilderness boarding school for teenagers that are not making it at home. There are 70 students aged 14-18 and they have all attended and graduated from a therapeutic wilderness program. Follow this link to see an example. They have issues ranging from drug & alcohol abuse, to promiscuity, to aggression & anger, to skipping school with underlying problems of depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety. I am training to become a Peer Group Leader which means that I will be advising a group of students through their 18 month stay. I will talk with their parents, write a newsletter about their activities, process issues that arise, monitor and discuss their emotional growth and academic performance, and run group therapy sessions with students throughout the school. A large part of my job will also be forming a safe, secure, and healthy relationship with the students in my group, as well as all of the students on campus.

My main responsibility for the first few weeks is to form relationships and get to know the students. I've played beach volleyball three times this week! It's been great, it has also been a great way to start to get to understand the personalities of different students. We also have "work crews" which is a vocational aspect of the program in which we do work around campus. There are several crews: culinary, farm, construction, landscaping, garden, and forestry. I was on forestry and got to help build a bridge on a trail through campus. We were using axes and hatchets - it is such a great educational experience for these kids (and for me!).

Wow, there is so much more that I could write, but I think that this enough for now. The best thing about work is all the love I feel just being on campus. I did dorm checks last night and I completely lost track of time just talking with the girls as I said goodnight. I know it has only been the first week, but I am really happy to be working there. Buck is not as happy now that I am not his constant playmate, but thanks to a friend's recommendation (a new Sandpoint friend even!) to get a Kong, he is keeping occupied and not causing trouble. Dog-owners, if you have not heard of these, check them out. They are also a lifesaver if you just want some time away from your canine shadow. I have also been good about walking him before and after work, even if only 15 minutes. Good for him, even better for me! On Sunday he's going to have his trial day at work to see if he behaves. The students are really excited to meet him!

Next post I'll tell you about the northern Idaho version of a traffic jam...

Gold Hill Trail

2007-08-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

Today has been a lazy day. I spent all morning waiting the for cable guy to hook-up my internet and as a result got glued to the tv and Cesar Milan's show "The Dog Whisperer." There was a dog who was obsessed with rocks! After the cable guy left I swore I was going to go enjoy the day, but then I got glued to my laptop and being reconnected to the internet. Now it's raining...

I'm also a little worn out from the hike I did yesterday on the Gold Hill trail. It was significantly longer than the other hike with a gain in elevation of about 1200 feet. The view was amazing. It was awesome to see the Long Bridge, Lake Pend Oreille and Sandpoint from above. We got a early start to avoid the heat of the day, which also means we had the trail to ourselves most of the way. That was nice, as Buck could be off his leash, except that I started to imagine scenarios where I was attacked by a Grizzly Bear or Black Bear and Buck had to run for help just like Lassie. At the end of the trail we cooled off with a dip in Bottle Bay.

A few nights ago I met some locals at Eichardts downtown. I received great recommendations about trails, places in town, nearby places to visit and possibly even a friend to help me repair my chronically difficult bike.

Here is a link to some more pictures of the trip out here and the area. There is a cool map feature I used that will show you where the pictures were taken! http://picasaweb.google.com/eknugent/WelcomeToIdaho

Mineral Point

2007-08-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

At the Ranger’s Station I received a great packet full of different trails in the area. I decided to try an easy 4 mile hike with Buck. I can barely remember the last time I went hiking, and I was not sure how Buck would behave on the trails. I set out for Sagle, which is about 5 miles south of Sandpoint. Between the winding back-roads, my driving, and the poor shocks in the back of my car Buck got carsick. I did not realize this until we got to the trail head (after being lost for about 20 minutes), but I do remember at some point during the drive wondering why this part of the county smelled like dog food. Thankfully, I have a blanket on the backseat for him and it was easily cleaned up.

While on the trail I was constantly wondering how to describe what it was like to hike with Buck. The best analogy I came up with was a car. The dog simply has no cruise control. He is one of those cars that trails behind you, but does not pass you. If you move to let him pass, he cruises by, but then slows down to a crawl, or better yet, stops completely. I do not know how many times I ran into him, or he stepped on the back of my sandals. The positive side to it all was that I could let him off leash, and he stayed close by.

Visually, the trail was stunning. I kept coming around corners to see a view of Lake Pend Oreille stretching before the Monarch Mountains (I think). The trail led us to Garfield Bay and a very sparsely populated stone beach. There were only four other people that I spotted. The water was crystal clear, and refreshingly cool. Buck was in heaven. There were not a lot of waves and as a result he was much more comfortable going in the water. I started throwing him his ball, but he kept bringing it back to me (like a good boy!), but then he would shake his coat right next to me. I started throwing sticks and driftwood which lead him to create a little stock pile behind me as I kept grabbing new ones to throw.

On the hike back Buck had a surge of energy from cooling off in the water and was a much better hiking partner. He ran ahead, stopped, ran back to me, ran ahead, stopped and waited for me, ran behind me, and ran ahead of me the whole way back to the trail head. Good thing was that if I called him to me, he gladly came. Overall it was a good trip. No pain for me, Buck behaved, and some gorgeous pictures. I am going to miss this once works starts!

Meet Buck

2007-08-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

Many of you know I was planning on getting a dog once I moved out here. Well, it didn't take me long. On Thursday I had a "play-date" with Buck and on Friday I took the little rascal home. He is...just great. I do not think I could have described a better dog. He's at home in the backyard alone for the first time right now. I can't stop thinking about him! Do you think he's lonely? I know he is.

He is a bearded collie - terrier mix. He's 10 months old. He was a stray at a "kill-shelter" that no one came to claim. A woman who runs a Second Chance Pet Rescue snapped him before his time and cleaned him up. His coat was mangled with fleas and he could barely see through the mess of hair that covered his eyes. He was rough and wild when she got him, but through the Cesar Millan method she had him behaving within a week!

He rarely tugs on the leash when we walk, and if he does, I lightly tug back and he heels without me saying a word. He has such a desire to please me and be loved. Oh, does he want to be loved. The little guy cannot get enough of it! If I sit on the floor he sprawls into my lap and rolls over so I can rub his belly. He also does not bark, unless I leave him in his crate when I leave the house. He follows me everywhere! I had to set the limit on the shower - but it's good to know it may be easy to get him in there to get cleaned up! I walk him down to the lake to play fetch, or on one of the many bike/pedestrian trails around here. We also took a trip to one of the state parks.

I also took him to the farmer's market on Saturday where I got homemade jam and fresh peaches. He stayed next to me and let everyone pet him without jumping up. He was just happy to be included. I ran into my new boss and new supervisor while I was down there and if he behaves he is allowed on the campus with me - so cross your fingers.

There was so much I was thinking about writing, but now that I'm finally at the internet cafe and writing about Buck, all I want to do is go back home to him! We're going to walk over to the ranger's station when I get home (about a mile from my house) to get some information on hiking in the area - maybe Schweitzer's?

"there's no place like home..."

2007-08-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

I made it!! The drive was pretty uneventful. I remember the stories we heard better than the landscape! We brought a couple of books on CD with us and as a result the majority of the time we were lost in other worlds. Illinois, Minnesota and North Dakota had us navigating the Canary Islands as an oceanographer searching for a buried city with two dolphins named Pete and Susie. While driving through the other half of North Dakota and the beginning of Montana we were lost in northern New Hampshire listening to a family grow through loss and grief. We are still finishing the last book, "The Kite Runner," that took us through Montana and into Idaho. I read it last summer, but my mom and Bill are on their first go-around and find it "spellbinding." After dinner we've spent our evenings here in Sandpoint listening the book from my laptop. It feels like we're in the 1930's sitting around an old radio waiting for the next chapter and what will come next. Honestly, it's kind of fun.

Right after pulling into town on Sunday we went driving around in the rain and snooped in all the windows and yards of the places I was lined up to see on Monday with the rental agency. The one I was crossing my fingers for looked great. It even had a fenced in yard for my potential new pup. My appointment was at 1:00 p.m. on Monday afternoon and by 1:50 p.m. my lease was signed, with approval from the landlord to have a dog. ABF Moving did a fantastic job and my trailer full of material possessions looked exactly as I had packed it and was sitting in front of my little cottage waiting to be unloaded. I recommend them to anyone making a long distance move. It's about the same rental price as U-Haul, but they pay for gas and do all the driving. Considering the mountain passes we were driving through - the small difference more than paid for itself. Almost everything is unpacked now and we're thinking about grilling in the backyard tonight on the Webber grill my dad snapped-up for me right before I left Royal Oak. In all honesty, it's going to be more of Grilling 101 session. I have a few things to learn.

Sandpoint...is everything I remember it being from my interview visit. I know it's only been a few days, but there is this calmness that overcomes me being in this part of the country. I now understand why they call the area of Montana close to here God's Country. In the mornings I've been walking to the Long Bridge that spans Lake Pend Oreille and I cannot even find the words to begin to describe it. My instinct is to say that it is "breathtaking," but the feeling is more the opposite in that I want to breathe deeply and somehow take into my body all the beauty that's before me. My mom compares this view with that of Lake Zurich in Switzerland. I think the view seemed the most idyllic to me when the coal train started chugging by us on the other bridge spanning the lake. It somehow all seemed too beautiful to be real. Pictures are forthcoming.

I did not realize I would write so much! There is grocery shopping and unpacking that needs to be done. But what I am really looking forward to is wiping my feet on my new doormat with two ruby red slippers on it that reads, "There's no place like home."

a celestial event of cosmic debris

2007-08-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Some people have to remind themselves to stop and smell the roses. I literally stop to smell the roses quite often, sometimes maybe too much. Perhaps a reminder more suiting for me might be to stop to watch the shooting stars. My little cousin was talking about the meteor shower throughout the night as we were eating the best popcorn ever and watching a cute romantic comedy. She and my aunt were going outside to take a look and even though I was thinking how every meteor shower is the same and that I really wanted to go home and start the last Harry Potter book my cousin just gave me, I decided to go take a look, too. We laid down on the deck all snuggled up in blankets and staring up at the sky. I started to think of the other meteor showers I had taken the time to watch in my life. They all seemed to be surrounded by the theme, or idea of slowing down and taking the time to actually live my life, to suck all of the marrow out of it, if you will. It seemed to be a fitting reminder as I am getting ready to embark on the next big journey of my life. I know it will be tempting to rush into my new world to try and make it everything I am expecting, but what if I could just slow down and let it show me everything it has to offer me first?

I've been thinking for days how to write this first entry. I guess it's done now. It wasn't that hard, but I'm still gnawing over how I am going to describe the experience of this past week as I said my goodbyes. There are all these crazy metaphors running through my mind, but it has been hard to give clear, concise words to it. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe a metaphor will just have to do.